Desperate Star Wars Clickbait

Yes… YES!! I can’t believe it. The space film I love is finally out. Can you even believe it, folks? The wookers and the light swords will really be swingin’ this holiday season. I love it. Every year I get to hoot and scream at the good lights on screen as I am stimulated once again by the familiar sound effects and storylines that keep being milked to death year after year by greedy corporate executives. It fills me with joy I can’t get elsewhere else to know that there is a company out there churning out this good shit just for me and other grown children like me who gobble up turds by the truckload as long as they have those good logos I recognize. Just take a look at my numerous Funko POP!!! figures that litter my miserable home. Yes, they’re hideous, cheap, plastic garbage designed to milk money out of people with no aesthetic taste, but I can’t stop wasting my meager paychecks on them. I gotta have all my favorite characters covering every square inch of my home. And LEGOS too… wow. I can’t get enough of those baby toys. Nothing gets my blood flowing more than releasing a primal squeal as I run over to the toy aisle to buy the latest LEGO playset. Sometimes I knock over children with my enormous jostling gut as I race to be the first one to get my hands on one, but I don’t care. These foolish children weren’t even alive when Star Wars first came out. They don’t understand it the way I do. They don’t deserve to spend hours piecing those neat little blocks together until it resembles a sharp, blocky version of my favorite fictional space craft. They should be playing with toys for babies instead and not be allowed anywhere near works of art like my LEGO playset.

hongsolo“Yes, they’re hideous, cheap, plastic garbage designed to milk money out of people with no aesthetic taste, but I can’t stop wasting my meager paychecks on them. ” Image by Ron Bailey

This stuff is for men who have been molded by the fear and anxiety of wondering for years at a time when the next Star Wars film will come out and whether it will be as good as my favorite (Episode III). Luckily for me, every Star Wars film has been an absolute masterpiece. Each one is better than the last. I don’t think I could possibly put into words what makes them so incredible, but boy do they speak to me. I haven’t wasted my time reading any books or whatever like some nerds, but I can say with full confidence that each and every Star Wars story is a finely crafted work art that rivals the great classics like the Great Gatby. That book is absolute trash compared to the tale of Anakin Skywalker. I can tell just from looking at the cover that it doesn’t delve deep into the mind of a powerful jedi who must learn to use his force…. Thinking about it is taking my breath away and making me sweat. We have all had to deal with these struggles at one point or another. Sand is coarse.

trashA rare peek at my collection of Star Wars memorabilia. Image by Kristina D.C. Hoeppner

Some of you may not know this about me, but I train as a jedi master. I am getting closer by the day to using the force in a powerful and useful way. Just the other day I was able to move a leaf I saw outside of the window of the bus I was riding in to my job. It was an exhilarating feeling to see power flowing from me out into the universe and to be able to look around knowing how much better I was than everyone else. I have even been making progress with a girl. My mind control is working flawlessly, and sometimes I am able to get her to make eye contact with me. All it takes is hard work and dedication to hone these mystical powers. That is what Star Wars has taught me. I lie awake at night and wonder what kind of man I would be if I Star Wars had not come into my life. I cry as I think of how bare my room would be without the plastic figures of my favorite characters watching over me. I hug my Chewbacca body pillow tight and soak it with tears as I thank him for being there for me during all my times of need. Star Wars has never let me down. It’s more than a movie. It is a llife style…

 

Images by William TungTama Leaver, and BrokenSphere

A Broke Dad’s Guide to Christmas, Part Two

Oh shit! Is it December again already? Another year has flown by, and you’ve been so busy exploding into apoplectic rage on a daily basis over the president’s poorly-worded tweets and questionable dietary habits that, once again, you completely forgot to put aside any money to buy overpriced electronic junk for your filthy children. Last year, we helped you appease those ungrateful little vermin with some clever gift ideas that didn’t cost you a dime, but you promised them that this year would be different. So if you want to keep your family from completely falling apart, you’re really gonna have to get creative this time. Continue reading A Broke Dad’s Guide to Christmas, Part Two

Tall Peters’ Guide to Choosing the Right Halloween Costume in 2017

Well, it’s that time of year again. October, the spookiest of all months, is in full swing, and proud American tradition dictates that you choose a culture or ethnicity other than your own to wear as a costume while you get sloshed. But wait! These days, wearing the wrong cultural identity can land you in hot water, so you better choose carefully or you might end up with your head on the social media chopping block. Continue reading Tall Peters’ Guide to Choosing the Right Halloween Costume in 2017

It’s Here Folks, A Comprehensive List Of All The Good Faces To Zoom In On

Now here at Talking Peterheads we know there’s nothing around that funnier than a funny face pic to look at on the web. Theres lot of funny faces to browse upon, more than you can even believe. Because everybody knows about faces, they have got such good meme traction, it`s always a good bet to use a face somewhere when you do a meme. Many forget that while a funny face is a good meme, a zoomed in on funny face is the same amount of funny memeness multiplied by how closely upon that you zoom in. Continue reading It’s Here Folks, A Comprehensive List Of All The Good Faces To Zoom In On

These Drawings My Brilliant Son Made Perfectly Sum Up Donald Trump’s Presidency

They say wisdom comes from the mouths of babes, and there’s no better testament to that nugget of truth than my amazing son Jaystin. He may be only six years old, but he’s smarter, more considerate, and more politically aware than most adults these days. Continue reading These Drawings My Brilliant Son Made Perfectly Sum Up Donald Trump’s Presidency

OFFICIAL Persona 5 Review

Folks, it has finally happened for me. That’s right, after 34 long years, I finally have a girlfriend. I never thought it would happen for me, but thanks to my good friends at Atlus and their newest video game Persona 5, I finally have a beautiful woman to share my life with. Don’t believe me?? Take a look at THIS.

trophy Continue reading OFFICIAL Persona 5 Review

Why The Internet is Actually Shrinking

Ever wake up at night in a puddle of cold sweat or stale piss (not sure which) worried about how grotesquely big and fat the internet is getting. In less enlightened times past, us pallid weenie nerd losers at The Tallsome Peter Foundation have too. And if we were to take the government’s word for it, (fat chance!!!!!!!!!), we will swallow down the tall tale that the internet is growing exponentially and more really good web type stuff like retweets and frog memes and gargantuan anime .pngs are being rabidly uploaded to the websnet at all seconds of the day. Continue reading Why The Internet is Actually Shrinking