Tall Peters’ Guide to Getting Laid in 2016

A common question we get from our readers is, “Hey, Tall Peters, how the heck is a guy supposed to meet women in this strange new era we’re living in? For a regular joe like me, trying to keep up with all these confusing new trends like ‘dating apps’ and ‘social justice’ can be a real headache! How do I know what emojis I’m supposed to use? Will the ladies laugh at me if I’m not up to date on all the latest memes? Just what exactly is ‘tumblr’ and how on earth do I use it?” Well, you’re in luck, faithful male readers, because we’re here to educate you on Tall Peters’ official tried-and-true modern seduction technique, guaranteed to get you into the high-waisted jeans of today’s discerning women. Take a gander at these surefire, can’t-miss tips:

1. Adorn yourself with fine jewels. The more the better. All the rarest gems you can get your hands on, hanging off of you from gold and platinum chains. This will demonstrate to potential mates that you have high value and are therefore worthy of inseminating them.

2. Buy lots of books about bodybuilding and read them in public. This will show those ladies that you value your health and take good care of your body, while sparing yourself the tedious labor of going to the gym and exercising for real.

3. Employ a hypnotist to trick you into thinking that you look like a sexy Hollywood star. Think you can’t get laid because you’re ugly? WRONG! It’s because you lack confidence, silly! With this handy tip, you can become convinced that you’re every bit as attractive as a hunk like Ryan Gosling. And then you’ll be so confident that the girls will be all over you, no matter how ugly you actually are.

4. Go to war and form a strong bond with one of your brothers-in-arms, become his best friend and closest confidant. And then eventually when he’s fatally wounded in action, and he’s dying in your arms in the blood-soaked trenches, he makes you promise that you’ll look after his wife for him. This one is self-explanatory.

5. Force yourself to cry whenever you see a sunset or a baby. Women love a sensitive guy, and if you can cry on command, one of them is bound to notice you sooner or later.

6. Memorize all the state capitals. The brain, they say, is the largest erogenous zone.

7. Join the local PTA even though you don’t have a kid. Great way to meet single moms!

8. Rub chocolate into all your pores so that every time you sweat, it smells like chocolate. It’s a well-known fact that ladies love chocolate more than anything. That delectable odor will activate a lust deep within your desired mate’s female subconscious and make you utterly irresistible to her.

9. Use the phrase “fair trade” as loudly and as often as possible while waiting in line at the coffee shop. I don’t know what it is about those two words, but women these days just love to hear them in coffee shops. Trust me.

10. Devote several years of your life to the study of black magic, eventually becoming a powerful warlock. Then find a poor, unsuspecting villager and put a terrible curse on him and force him to give you his first-born daughter’s hand in marriage in exchange for lifting the curse. Also self-explanatory.

11. Earn an advanced degree and carry your framed diploma around with you everywhere you go. Nothing’s sexier than a man with a Ph.D. But how are all the fly honeys going to know that you’re a genius if you keep that degree cooped up in your office all the time? Don’t be afraid to strut your stuff!

12. Hire an actor to pretend to have a conversation with you and say, “Wow, that’s really interesting!” every time a woman walks by, as if you had just said something interesting. This will make you seem really interesting.

And there you have it, boys. All you have to do is follow these 12 simple steps, and you’ll be a bona fide ladykiller in no time. However, please keep in mind that Tall Peters is NOT liable for any emotional stress, bodily harm, or criminal charges that may come to you as a result of using our methods. Happy hunting, fellas!

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