Clown Epidemic Grows More Severe as Clowns Attempt to Participate in Society

“It nearly scared me half to death,” says Marsha Wolfman of Plano, TX, describing a harrowing experience at the bank last Thursday. “I was waiting in line to deposit my check, when suddenly this terrifying clown walked in. And before I knew what was happening, it walked right up to one of the sales agents and started applying for a loan!” Wolfman, a working single mother of three, described the clown as a six-foot-tall male wearing creepy clown makeup and a silly hat. “I’m just glad my kids weren’t with me. They would have had nightmares for weeks!” The Plano police have yet to offer an official statement at this time, but they have assured concerned locals that they are taking the matter very seriously.

As you’re probably aware, reports of clown sightings have been flooding in from all over the country for several weeks now. They are often seen at nighttime, on the edges of wooded areas, approaching children and frightening them. This string of spooky clown attacks has become so widespread that many, including myself, have called upon President Barack Obama to declare a National State of Emergency, to no avail. But now, even as we struggle to understand who these clowns are and what they want with our children, they appear to be taking their campaign of terror to the next level: the clowns are now leaving the woods and entering our cities and towns in droves, in broad daylight, and attempting to assimilate into American society.

“It was like somethin’ straight out of a horror movie,” says Geoff Lamb, a father of two from Lexington, KY. “There I was with my sons at the county elections office, when this big old ugly clown walked in and started trying to register to vote.” A shocking public display, especially with young, fragile children present. “How am I supposed to explain somethin’ like that to my boys?” Lamb continues. “They’re too young to understand this kind of stuff. What ever happened to common decency, y’know?”

Sadly, these are not isolated incidents. At least 30 of these new public sightings have been reported over the past week. There have been numerous accounts of clowns applying for jobs, enrolling in schools, even attempting to buy property. But no other community has been affected by this outbreak as significantly as Portland, OR, where a wave of homeless and transient clowns have infested the city’s downtown area. They can be seen all over, sleeping in public, crowding the sidewalks, and creating a nuisance for locals and tourists alike.

“It’s horrible,” says Cindy Perez, proud mother of four. “They’re everywhere you look, and they never leave you alone. I was taking my kids to the library the other day, and I was accosted by this awful, smelly clown, and it told me this whole story about how it needed money for a bus ticket to get back to some place or other. It was obviously just lying to get money for more clown makeup or whatever. Anyway, at this point, my babies were all crying their heads off. They were absolutely traumatized!”

Chilling stories all around. And as much as I hope that this whole clown problem goes away soon, as long as President Obama continues to remain silent, it will probably only get worse from here. Marsha Wolfman, that brave Texas mother, asks, “What do these clowns want with us, and why won’t they just leave us alone?” Time will only tell, Marsha. But until we get answers, remember to stay safe, and keep a close eye on your children.

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