There’s a lot of deeply upsetting stuff going on in the news these days, but here at Tall Peters, we’re committed to reporting the news that matters most to us. And the big news here at Tall Peters HQ is that our anonymous source just shared with us yet another tantalizing glimpse at Kelsey Grammer’s failed screenplay, Frasier Crane. But the bad news is, in this latest update, things really take a turn for the worse for our old pal Frasier.
EXT. CEMETERY – NIGHT
Frasier, wearing the same tattered clothes as the previous
night, staggers into the graveyard, clutching a half-drunk
bottle of sherry. He stops and falls to his knees at a
small, unceremonious gravestone, tucked away behind a bush,
that simply reads:
FREDERICK GAYLORD CRANE
He unlids the sherry and glugs it until he gasps, ejecting
sherry-spittle from his mouth. He rubs his face and breathes
heavily. As he catches his breath, a grim look comes over
him. He sets the bottle on the ground, and then pulls his
gun out from his back waistband. His face tightens with
determination. He grabs the bottle with his other hand and
begins to chug the remainder of it. With just a small bit of
sherry left, he apathetically tosses it aside.
I’m so sorry, Freddy.
He begins to shed tears.
It’s all my fault. I should have
been there for you. I never should
left. Oh, if only I could go back
and do it all over again.
Suddenly, we hear the voice of MARTIN CRANE’S GHOST.
MARTIN’S GHOST (O.S.)
Well, you can’t.
Frasier looks up to see a ghostly image of his father,
without the cane, standing behind Freddy’s grave,
illuminating their surroundings. Frasier is flabbergasted.
Take it from me, Fras’. You can’t
go back. You can’t do it over
again. You get one shot in life.
What’s the matter? Never seen a
Dad, I- I’ve lost everything.
Oh, don’t be ridiculous! You know,
when I lost your mother, I thought
it was the end for me. Only thing
that kept me together was the job.
My boys on the force were all I had
at that point. Then I took one in
the hip, and that was taken from me
too. I thought I was all alone. But
then you and Niles came back into
my life. After all those years, I
finally had a chance to connect
with my sons. And you know what? I
don’t think your mom would’ve
wanted it any other way.
I don’t understand, Dad.
Frasier is sobbing now. He wipes the tears off his face with
the gun still in hand.
Would you put that stupid thing
down? We both know you’re not gonna
I don’t need to listen to you!
You’re not even real. You’re
obviously part of some delusion
from which I’m currently suffering.
Temporary psychosis brought on by
excessive alcohol consumption. You
don’t fool me!
Martin’s ghost chuckles.
You always were a skeptic, weren’t
Who am I kidding? You’re right. I
don’t have the guts to use this.
Frasier tosses the gun aside.
That’s better. Look, Fras’. You can
spend the rest of your life feeling
sorry for yourself, beating
yourself up over all your mistakes.
Or you can learn to appreciate what
you have left. Learn to love the
people who are still in your life,
and help them when they need you.
Help? Help… them? Oh dear god,
Dad, I’ve been such a fool. I’ve
made a terrible mistake.
Frasier bolts up to his feet.
Dad, I’m terribly sorry, but I have
Frasier turns and leaves in a hurry. Martin’s ghost starts
to fade away as he delivers his final words to Frasier.
Remember: It’s never too late.
Until it is.
After Frasier’s gone, and Martin’s ghost has seemingly
disappeared, the ghost’s voice still lingers, and it’s
joined by the sound of EDDIE THE DOG’S GHOST, barking.
MARTIN’S GHOST (O.S.)
Okay, okay, Eddie. We can go for a
walk. Come on. Let’s go.
The ghostly voices dissipate into the cold wind. All that
remains are Frasier’s nearly-empty sherry bottle, placed
just off to the side of Freddy’s grave.
EXT. LILITH’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Looking very tasteful from the outside, Lilith’s brick
townhouse blends right in with the nice, quiet neighborhood
that surrounds it. Frasier, shuffling along the sidewalk,
squints at the numbers on each house until he finds the
right one. He charges up the steps and pounds on the door.
Lililth! Lilith, it’s me!
Frasier peers in through the front window. Completely
lacking in furniture, a flickering TV set lights up an
otherwise empty front room. Lilith lies immobile on the
Lilith! Please let me in! Lilith,
He pounds on the window, but Lilith still doesn’t move. He
looks around frantically as if searching for a means of
entry. He grabs the doorknob and jiggles it, realizes that
it’s not locked. He pushes the door open and runs in.
INT. LILITH’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Frasier dashes inside.
He crouches down by her side. A heroin kit with some needles
is visible, and a loose tourniquet is still hanging off of
Lilith, wake up!
He can see now that her eyes are wide open. She’s completely
motionless, not breathing.
Oh god, Lilith, please.
He holds two fingers to her neck to take her pulse, but we
can see that he already knows it’s too late. He breathes
deeply as he holds his fingers there for a few seconds,
waiting. Finally, he shuts his eyes tight and starts to
break down crying, embracing Lilith’s dead body.
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Frasier feeds change into a payphone in a convenience store
parking lot. He’s in a considerably less prosperous part of
town than Lilith’s neighborhood. Beyond him, in the
distance, some streetkids appear to be having an
altercation. Frasier slowly, nervously punches in the
numbers on the payphone. He takes a big, heavy breath as he
hears it ring. DAPHNE answers on the other end.
Hello? Crane residence.
Frasier tries to talk, but he chokes up and immediately
begins sobbing uncontrollably.
Hello? Who is this? Who’s there?
Frasier can’t contain himself. Snot streams out of his nose.
He struggles to form words.
Dr. Crane? Is that you?
He’s blubbering so hard he can barely hold onto the
receiver. He leans against the payphone to stay standing.
Dr. Crane, what is it? What’s
Shall I get Niles for you?
It’s too late…
Dr. Crane? Dr. Crane?
Frasier falls to his knees. Everything goes silent.
END OF ACT ONE
Yikes! I think we’re starting to understand why the execs at NBC rejected this thing. No offense to Mr. Grammer, of course, but what an undignified end for Lilith, our personal favorite character. In any case, here’s hoping that things get brighter for Dr. Crane. Thanks for reading!