Well, Peter Heads, Thanksgiving is finally over. I don’t know about you all, but I had to write a letter to Old Saint Nick asking for a brand new belt to restrain my overwhelming girth. Heh, I’m just kidding, gang. I don’t need a belt because I never change out of my piss-stained sweatpants. Anyway, it’s that time again when we are all faced with the same question that haunts us year after year: What the heck am I gonna do with all this leftover turkey? Well. That is ultimately up to you to decide, but all of us here over at the Tall Peters labs have been brainstorming and thinking up the most efficient ways to deal with your overabundance of bird carrion. We hope you find these suggestions helpful!
Feed It to the Dog or Something
He’s been a good boy all year. Let him have some turkey. He wants it real bad, and it’s going to go to waste otherwise.
Throw It in the Garbage
Let’s face it. That’s where it’s gonna end up anyway. Quit fooling yourself and dump the bird early to make room for whatever dumb shit you’re gonna end up putting in there.
Stick It up Your Butt
Hell. Why not? Gotta put it somewhere.
Just eat it, idiot. That’s what it’s for!!
Flush It down the Toilet
Save some calories and flush it.
Give It to Someone as a Christmas Gift
Wrap that sucker up and stick it under the tree. Save yourself a little bit of money. I dunno how well this will go over with your friends and family, but if they are anything like mine, they will be happy to be getting anything from you at all.
Drag It Behind Your Car
This one is an old favorite of mine. Back when I was young, me and my cousins would take granny’s bird right off the table and drag it down the road. No particular reason, but it sure was a hoot.
Stuff It in a Shirt to Make a New Friend
We all get lonely. No one around to talk to and share a laugh. I know I do. I get really lonely all the time. I don’t have too many friends, so sometimes I dress the holiday bird up in one of my old shirts and sit him on the couch with me while I’m watching my movies. It’s not the same as having a real person there with you, but it’s better than nothing.
Leave It in the Refrigerator
Let it rot in there. What do you care? Mother nature will take care of it for you eventually.
Run over It with Your Car
Squash the damn thing. Who gives a shit? If the neighbors ask what you’re doing, tell them to f*ck off.
Leave It as a Tip at Your Favorite Restaurant
Why not keep some turkey in your pocket so you can leave it as a tip for a waiter that did an exceptional job? Hard work deserves a delicious treat. Share the wealth!
Save It for next Thanksgiving
Uh, how about you just stick it in the freezer and serve it up next year? It might hold up. I dunno.