BREAKING: NEW DOCUMENTS REVEAL THAT SAM HYDE IS TIM HEIDECKER’S ILLEGITIMATE CHILD

The ongoing comedy feud between alt-right spokesman Sam Hyde and left-wing media mogul Tim Heidecker came to a head yesterday morning when Hyde called in to Mr. Heidecker’s Facebook Live show to accuse the Tim and Eric’s Awesome Show star of pulling strings to get his own Adult Swim show, World Peace, off the air, motivated by political disagreements that have caused them to repeatedly clash over the past several weeks. The exchange was heated, and very personal, with both men becoming infuriated and raising their voices at one another. Is it possible that the animosity between the two performers could have been motivated by something other than politics? Is there an unspoken connection between these two towering giants of the alternative comedy scene? Some startling new evidence uncovered by the Tall Peters investigative team suggests that this just might be the case.

While attempting to confirm some biographical info for an upcoming story on the popular shock comedian, our researchers were surprised to discover that no birth records existed for a Sam or Samuel Hyde in Fall River, Massachusetts (Sam’s birthplace according to his official bio) or in any nearby municipality. They did however learn the somewhat amusing fact that “Sam Hyde” was also the name of a character in New England folklore who was said to be infamous for telling lies, so much so that the saying to lie like Sam Hyde was once prevalent throughout the region, particularly in Sam’s home state of Massachusetts. While this could obviously be a mere coincidence, it was nonetheless intriguing enough to warrant further investigation. After a considerable amount of digging, our team did finally discover a birth certificate bearing Sam’s birthdate, April 16, 1985, on file in Allentown, Pennsylvania, which just so happens to be the hometown of one Timothy Heidecker. The name on that birth certificate? Wait for it:

SAMUEL WHITCOMB HEIDECKER

Now this was a truly puzzling development, but as we began to piece all the facts together, it gradually started to make sense. To anyone who’s followed Sam Hyde’s work, the influence of the elder comedian’s unique style is clear. But could it be that this shared sensibility is the result of a familial connection? The fact that the name on this birth certificate is nearly identical to that of the rising comedy star, combined with the matching birthdate, cannot be ignored. And while there is no father listed on the document, it seems highly unlikely that a child born in Allentown with the name Heidecker isn’t at least related to the famous Allentown native, who currently resides in the posh LA suburb of Glendale. And we have to assume that the name came from his father’s side, as the mother listed on the certificate had a different surname. We’ve chosen not to publish her name for privacy reasons, but medical records obtained from Lehigh Valley Hospital in Allentown seem to suggest that the mother was a prostitute who lacked the means to care for the boy herself and therefore was most likely forced to give him up for adoption.

So what conclusions can we draw from all this? The prevailing theory amongst our editorial staff is that this unwanted child was indeed Sam Hyde, conceived in a sexual encounter between a young Tim Heidecker and a street prostitute, and adopted as an infant by a family in Fall River. It’s uncertain whether Hyde is the family name of his adoptive parents, or if he originally maintained his birth name (pronounced hyde-ecker) but later shortened it in order to distance himself from the biological father who had abandoned him. Perhaps he even deliberately appropriated the name of the legendary New England liar as a sly wink to the public that he had a big secret. In any case, all this new evidence makes it abundantly clear to us that the “Million Dollar Extreme” founder must be the offspring of the Billion Dollar Movie star. And the notion that Sam may have secretly known about this all along casts a tantalizing light on some of the facts we already know.

For some time now, Sam has been quite vocal about the Pizzagate conspiracy theory, which contends that several prominent Democratic Party politicians, including 2016 presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, are involved in a widespread pedophilia ring fronted by pizzerias. Assuming that this theory is correct, it’s not hard to believe that Tim, a member of the Hollywood liberal elite who’s been a spokesperson for both Papa John’s and Totino’s Pizza Rolls may be deeply embedded within the framework of the conspiracy. After all, he has been known throughout his career to create disturbing images involving children, not to mention displaying an oddly sexual pizza fixation. It stands to reason that Sam may have confronted his father at some point in the past and learned some unpleasant truths. How else would he be so confident about the validity of a conspiracy theory for which very little solid evidence seems to exist? Perhaps “Sam Hyde” knows more than he lets on.

Something is definitely fishy here. That much is certain. And we get the feeling that we’ve just barely cracked the tip of the iceberg. Thus, Tall Peters remains committed to following up on these leads, and you can expect to see more updates from us as new developments come to light. In the meantime, Peterheads, stay vigilant, and remember to question everything. The truth is out there, and together we can find it.

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