Frasier Crane 4

UPDATE: Even MORE leaked pages from Kelsey Grammer’s lost script “Frasier Crane” have emerged, and we here at Tall Peters blah blah etc. Anyone who’s actually bothered to read these probably knows by now that this is fake. I made it all up! It’s me, Trevor Drinkwater. I’m the one writing these dumb Frasier things. Here’s another one.

part 1 | part 2 | part 3


DR. NILES CRANE stands center stage on a daytime talk show
set. Behind him, a MOTHER and DAUGHTER are sitting beside
each other on a couch. The studio audience is applauding
enthusiastically. The “Dr. Crane” logo flies across the
screen as if we’re watching the show. We’ve just come back
from a commercial break.

Welcome back to “Dr. Crane,”
everybody. In case you’re just
tuning in, we’ve been talking to
Susie and her mother, who’s had
some concerns about her daughter’s
behavior lately. But as we learned
before the commercial break, Susie
may be having some concerns of her

Niles walks over to the couch.

And now, Martha, I believe you had
something you wanted to say to your

Niles takes a seat on a chair adjacent to the couch. The
mother faces the daughter. They’re both crying.

Susie, you’ve been-

Now, Martha, let’s remember to use
our “I” statements.

Right. Susie, I have been feeling
very troubled by your behavior ever
since your father left, but now I
realize that I’m too blame, because
I’ve been very selfish lately. And
I didn’t think about how my dating
has been affecting you. And, I- I’m
so sorry, Susie. And if you’re not
ready for me to be seeing other
guys, then I can wait longer.
Because I just want you to be
happy, Susie. And I hope you know
that I love you very much.

The audience goes “awwwwwww.”

That was wonderful, Martha. And
Susie, is there anything you’d like
to say to your mother?

Mom, I’m sorry for acting out and
making you worry so much. I’ve been
having a real hard time since Dad
left, and seeing you bring home
other men was- was really hard for
me. But I was selfish too, because
you- you’re my mom, and I love you,
and you deserve to be happy too.
And I- I should have just told you,
instead of- instead of acting the
way I did. And I’m so sorry, Mom. I
love you so much.

The mother and daughter share a big hug. The audience goes
“awwwwww” again and then they applaud.

Wow. Wasn’t that beautiful? Susie,
Martha, I want to thank both of you
for having the courage to open up
to one another. Discussing our
feelings can be a very difficult
thing, and everybody in this room
is proud of you two. Isn’t that

The audience responds with heartfelt applause and cheers.
The mother and daughter both start to smile, while wiping
their tears away.

Thank you so much, Dr. Crane. I
don’t know what we would do without

Thank you, Dr. Crane.

Oh, I’m just doing my job.

Niles mugs for the audience, and they laugh.

Well, unfortunately, it’s time for
us to wrap up, but I’m pleased that
we can end on such a positive note.
How about a round of applause for
Susie and Martha, everybody?

More applause.

That’s all for today’s program. For
those of you in the audience and at
home, remember to talk to the ones
you love, remember to take care of
yourselves and each other, and
until next time, I’m Dr. Crane
saying, “I’m here for you.”

The audience applauds long and loud while the credits start
to roll. Niles stands up and graciously shakes the hands of
both mother and daughter, then smiles at the audience and
gives them a final wave. The PRODUCER is standing off to the
side of the set, holding a clipboard, and looking satisfied.
The DIRECTOR sits in a chair next to a camera operator.

Okay, that’s a wrap, ladies and

At the director’s signal, various production assistants and
set technicians begin to bustle about the soundstage. Niles
graciously bids goodbye to his guests, and walks off set.
He’s intercepted by the producer, who starts to follow him
to his dressing room. They walk and talk.

Amazing show, Dr. Crane.
Incredible. This one’s gonna be
huge for us in the ratings.

Niles has aged extraordinarily well since we last saw him.
Patches of gray hair lend him a distinguished look, and his
posture and general demeanor seem more confident than
before. He’s wearing a fine, tailored suit, but with no tie,
giving him a more casual, TV-friendly look.

Thank you, thank you. Although,to
be honest, I barely did anything.
It’s really our guests that do most
of the work. And we have such
wonderful guests sometimes.

Very true, Dr. Crane, very true.
Now, if you have some time, I was
hoping we could look over these
notes together-

No, I told you already, I can’t
today. I have very important plans
this evening, and I want to get on
the 405 before traffic hits.

Please, it’ll only take a moment.

Niles abruptly stops walking faces the producer.

Can’t it wait until tomorrow? My
brother just got into town, and,
well, I haven’t seen him in a
number of years.

Oh. Okay, sure. I’ll just put it on
the list for tomorrow. Is, um, is
everything alright with your

No, not at all, I’m afraid. He’s
fallen on some very hard times.

Well, I’m very sorry to hear that.

Thank you for understanding.

Niles pats the producer on the shoulder, then walks away.

To be continued. . .

2 thoughts on “Frasier Crane 4”

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