Welp folks it’s Christmas time again and if there’s one thing that people are gonna be doing at this time of year, it’s killing themselves like crazy. Committing suicide at Christmas might be considered something of a cliché by most, but here at Tall Peters dot com we feel like people have forgotten the true meaning of killing themselves at Christmas so we’re reaching out to as many would-be suiciders as possible. It can be hard in this season of excessive self-inflicted deaths to really stand out when committing your suicide, so we’ve devised a few tips to help you immortalise yourself as that special snowflake that you know you are.
A real old school genre of death this one, the elemental death. Climb yourself all up into a nice snug pile of snow and drift into comforting eternal sleep while all your internal organs shut down. Get found a day or two later as a gruesome frozen up husk and earn a few more pennies for those cold homeless people at winter while also achieving that death you’ve been yearning for all year long.
This one isn’t easy folks. Don’t think anyone has ever died from gout, or if it’s even possible to die from it at all. Anybody know? Anyways, for this you just have to really get into that Christmas spirit and indulge, indulge, indulge! You really need to be consuming great amounts of cheese, chocolate and alcohol for this to work so switch up that diet. Instead of milk, why not try pouring port onto your cornflakes. Instead of having roast potatoes with your Christmas dinner, switch em out for several baked Camemberts. Switch out those useless baby chocolates in your advent calendar for crème brûlées, just crush em on in there. If, before long, your joints become aching and swollen and you become noticeably more piss scented then you know it’s working, just keep on consuming and eventually you’ll be a stinking bulbous festive corpse.
Santa’s Last Ride
This one takes a little bit of DIY. First of all you have to dress up like Santa which is easy enough. Now you need to get a sleigh and if you are really committed to authenticity, wrangle a few reindeers or two. Nextly we’re gonna have to craft some sort of large catapult mechanism so watch a few Looney Tunes vids or whatever for a bit of research. The next part is easy, just load yourself up in that sleigh, reign up your reindeer (it might be easier to cull them beforehand) and release! Ideally you need to get enough air time to scream “Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!” before impact but as long as you get a ho or two in people will get the picture. You’ve gone out in a way that would bring a tear to Santa’s eye.
Apparently Christmas trees are big time fire hazards. Here at Tall Pete’s we feel there isn’t enough being done to forewarn the general public about the dangers of having a Christmas tree so we’re taking matters into our own hands. All you need for this is a Christmas tree outfit, some tinsel and baubles and lights and whatever other gay shit you put on your tree, tape all that stuff all over yourself, and then self-immolate! Yep, just douse yourself up in something nice and flammable and just light that sucker up. As you burn to death, take comfort in the fact that when someone finds your fucked up shiny charred remains they might possibly learn a moral or something and be more careful with their trees.
Rudolph the Red Dicked Reindeer
Ever seen that documentary about that guy Mr. Hands. Nah me neither but basically it is about a cool dead dude liked to get fucked up the arse by horses real good and one day his chuffhole was irreparably broken from getting slammed by a horse cock and he died from a broken butt. Now I’m no expert, but I’m guessing that anatomically (that is, to says, in terms of extent of phallus) reindeer are pretty similar to horses so if you can get one rowdy enough to fuck your tender slim butt you can contrive to die of similar injuries but with a nice festive touch. So maybe kiss him on the antlers a little or paint your dick orange to look like a carrot to really turn him on, just get creative gang.
Feed The World
Now this is a special one. Everybody knows there’s always people starving in some sort of ethnic country somewhere, and with Christmas being the season of giving, what could make more of an ultimate gift than giving yourself, as food, to the hungry. I guess just climb into one of those big crates of rice or whatever that they drop over the famine zones, and if you’re lucky enough to survive being dropped out of the plane you can witness first hand some skeletal, wild-eyed aboriginals frenziedly devouring your mangled body, and you’ll really have let them know it’s Christmas time.