Things get pretty hot and steamy for our hero, Dr. Frasier Crane, in the latest chapter of this sordid tale. Not recommended for younger readers.
INT. CRANE MANSION FOYER – DAY
Frasier is sitting anxiously on a chaise in large and
tastefully-decorated foyer, suitcase in his lap. Since we
last saw him, he’s shaved and gotten a haircut, and he’s now
wearing clean clothes, a brown suit reminiscent of the ones
he wore in his Seattle days. He sets his suitcase beside
him, gets up, and paces around, observing a shelf bearing
multiple Daytime Emmys, a few honorary plaques, and other
assorted awards. He paces along and his eyes are drawn to a
framed photo on the wall of Niles and Daphne with Oprah and
her partner Stedman, taken on the red carpet of some gala
event. He stops when he sees a framed cover of Psychology
Today magazine featuring Niles. The cover headline reads:
DR. CRANE: AMERICA’S NEW PSYCHIATRIC SUPERSTAR
Frasier winces at the cover. Just then, Daphne begins to
descend the elegant marble staircase at the end of the
foyer, followed by LUPITA, the housekeeper.
Sorry to keep you waiting, Dr.
Startled, Frasier turns to greet Daphne. She’s wearing a
low-cut dress and high heels, and looks great for her age.
Oh, no need to worry about me. I’ve
had ample time to admire all of
Daphne arrives at the bottom of the staircase and walks
toward Frasier as she talks.
Yes, he’s very proud of his awards,
as you can see I thought it was a
bit tacky to put them out in the
foyer like that. Our poor decorator
nearly had a heart attack. But
Lupita, could you take Dr. Crane’s
luggage up to his room and prepare
his bed for him?
Yes, Mrs. Crane.
That’s really not necessary,
Daphne, I can-
It’s no trouble, she’s happy to
help. That’s what we pay her for.
Come here, you.
Daphne gives Frasier a big hug, squeezing him just a little
too hard, and holding the hug for just a beat too long.
Frasier looks a little uncomfortable. Daphne takes his hands
in hers and holds them tight.
How are you, Frasier? Are you
Oh, yes, I’m- I’m alright, thank
you for asking.
With his hands in Daphne’s, Frasier hesitates for a moment.
She gazes affectionately at him. Lupita retrieves his
suitcase from the nearby chaise. They hear the sound of a
door opening in another room.
Hello? Is anybody home?
Frasier quickly withdraws his hands from Daphne and turns
toward the direction of Niles’ voice. Niles enters the foyer
with a big grin on his face.
The two brothers embrace as Daphne watches lovingly.
It’s so very good to see you again,
brother. It’s been far too long.
Yes. Yes, it has.
Niles keeps his hands on Frasier’s shoulders for a moment
and smiles at him. Frasier sheepishly smiles back. Then
Niles turns his attention to Daphne.
And hello to you as well, my dear.
They share a quick kiss, as three boys, PETER, 6, GLEN, 4,
and LES, 3, come running eagerly down the stairs.
(all at once)
Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!
There are my boys! Come here, you
The boys run up to Niles and all jump up onto him and
aggressively hug him at once. Frasier frowns.
Alright, alright, settle down now,
boys. I want you to meet
Frasier, allow me to introduce to
you the three most recent additions
to the Crane family: Peter, Glen,
(to the boys)
Boys, this is your uncle Frasier.
Frasier awkwardly shakes each of the boys’ hands.
Yes, hello, wonderful to meet you
What do you say, boys?
Nice to meet you, Uncle Frasier.
Very good. Run along now, boys.
The three boys all run off, chasing one another and
Oh, and Daphne, where’s David?
He’s at baseball practice, love.
Baseball practice, of course.
Frasier, you remember our oldest,
How could I forget.
Young David has become quite the
His team won the little league
championship last year.
Dad was quite proud of his
We were all proud of him.
Yes, yes, of course, we’re all very
proud of the little slugger.
Well, it sounds like Dad finally
got the son he always wanted.
Niles laughs, a little too hard. It sounds forced.
Yes, that’s right.
His laughter trails off, and it’s quiet for a moment.
Frasier’s discomfort is becoming more noticeable.
Oh! How about a glass of sherry? I
have a very fine oloroso in the
cellar that I’ve been saving for a
Oh, I don’t know if I should-
Come on now, Frasier, for old
Frasier ponders for a moment.
Perhaps after dinner.
INT. CRANE MANSION PARLOR – NIGHT
Frasier, Niles, and Daphne are all having a merry time in
the mansion’s ornate parlor. Niles sits at a grand piano and
plays, while Frasier stands beside the piano and sings,
glass of sherry in his hand. He’s abandoned his suit jacket
and loosened his tie.
But I don’t know what to do with
those tossed salads and scrambled
Daphne is sitting on a nearby couch, smiling in amusement.
Niles finishes playing with a flourish.
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do!
Daphne claps politely. Frasier raises his glass to both her
and Niles, and then downs the remainder of its contents.
Niles follows suit, raising his glass and having a sip.
Daphne takes a cautious sip of her own glass of sherry, only
slightly concealing her distaste for it.
You’ve still got it, brother.
Thank you, thank you.
Niles goes to sit next to Daphne on the couch, while Frasier
heads over to the bar to refill his glass.
More sherry, anyone?
I’m quite alright, thank you. But
help yourself, please.
Frasier is already helping himself. With an overfilled
glass, he returns to join them on the couch.
Say, Niles, do you recall the time
you accidentally gave Dad a pot
Oh, yes. He was positively loony
You gave Martin a pot brownie?
An accident, I assure you. I had
intended to eat it myself.
Yes, don’t you remember, Daphne?
Niles had unknowingly eaten an
ordinary brownie, and he believed
that he was the one who was high.
Frasier and Daphne both laugh.
You should have seen him, Daphne.
He was ridiculous.
Where did you get a pot brownie?
They all three laugh, Frasier laughing the hardest. Niles
checks his watch.
My goodness, look at the time. I’d
really better get to bed.
Niles gets up from the couch.
Aww, but we’re having so much fun.
I know, I’m terribly sorry, but I
have a very early production
meeting tomorrow. But don’t let me
spoil the party. The two of you may
continue catching up without me.
Frasier finishes another glass. Niles leans in and gives
Daphne a smooch.
Goodnight, my love.
Frasier, please make yourself at
home. Help yourself to anything you
need. What’s mine is yours.
Thank you, Niles.
Frasier takes the glass of sherry that Niles left on the
coffee table and starts to drink it. Niles smiles warmly and
leaves. Frasier slides a little closer to Daphne on the
couch and raises his glass again.
A toast, to old friends.
Frasier is slurring his words now. Daphne politely clinks
her glass to his and takes another small sip, while Frasier
glugs his whole glass. Daphne smiles and puts a hand on his
shoulder. He smiles back slyly.
We’re really glad to have you here,
Well, I’m very glad to be here,
Frasier is clearly very drunk now. His eyelids have gotten
heavy. He leans closer to Daphne, who’s starting to look
Frasier, are you alright?
Never better. You know, you’re even
more beautiful than I remembered.
Oh, well, thank you, Fr-
Frasier places his hand on her thigh and rubs it gently.
Dr. Crane, what are you doing?
He presses his finger against her lips and shushes her, then
leans in closer and starts to kiss her. She pulls away.
Dr. Crane, stop it!
He runs his hand up her torso and grabs her breast. He
starts kissing her neck, and she squirms and shoves him.
He keeps kissing her body, more and more aggressively, and
starts reaching up her dress with his other hand.
Get off me!
She smacks him on the head a couple times, then grabs his
hair and pulls hard on it.
Oh, dear god!
I said, get off!
She gives him a firm shove, and he rolls off the couch and
hits his head on the coffee table.
Ow! Damn it.
Daphne hastily stands up and takes a few steps back. Frasier
sits on the floor and rubs his head. They’re both breathing
heavily. She scowls at him, and walks away in silence.
Frasier watches her as she leaves, frowning. After Daphne
has left the room, he takes notice of her glass on the
table, still mostly full. He grabs it, chugs the sherry,
sets the glass back down, and sighs heavily.
To be continued (maybe)…