It has truly been busy for all of us here at the Tall Peters Labs this holiday season. While everyone else sipped egg nog and lit holiday candles with their loving families, we’ve had a crack team working around the clock to get to the bottom of this mystery about what effects online clickbait articles have on your brain. It took a lot of hard work and determination, but at long last we finally have undeniable results! Our research shows that reading at least one (1) shameless clickbait article a day increases your IQ by ten whole points over the course of a year! It sounds too good to be true, but we swear to you that it is a guaranteed method used by the intellectual greats throughout history (Einstein and Neil deGrasse Tyson are known for their love of clickbait) to juice up even the smallest bean-sized brain. Yes, reading inane lists all day long most certainly seems like it would cause critical levels of decay in the sectors of the brain dedicated to simple tasks like going poopoo in a toilet and chewing food, but believe it or not, spending hours at a time pondering hypotheticals about Disney princesses and what their lives would be like if they were morbidly obese actually kicks the brain into overdrive and produces a chemical that is proven to promote the growth of new brain cells!
“Einstein and Neil deGrasse Tyson are known for their love of clickbait”
Delving deeper into this theory, we came across some incredible evidence that points towards clickbait articles being the catalyst that finally got primitive man to stop dragging his knuckles around and get a fire going. It has been theorized by the world’s top archaeologists and linguists that the mysterious markings on cave walls that we have all seen circulating the web are actually some of the world’s first listicles. No, we are not kidding around with you here! Ancient human beings actually rated their top fifteen yummiest megafauna and shared these lists with others in their social groups. And all this time you thought they were just scribbling doodles on the wall!! 🙂 Those Egyptian hieroglyphs? Clickbait. King Tut didn’t get where he was by staring at a pyramid all day long. No! He spent his days reading papyrus scrolls about The Top Fifteen Pharaohs Of All Time. Do you think Cleopatra become a notoriously fierce queen on her own? No sir! Recently uncovered artifacts detail how Cleo spent much of her time browsing the ancient libraries for DIY makeup tips that gave her the edge necessary to break through that glass ceiling.
“Ancient human beings actually rated their top fifteen yummiest megafauna and shared these lists with others in their social groups.” Image by Thomas Quine
Who would have thought that shallow online content designed to draw in braindead readers to boost ad revenue without providing anything of actual value to the world would end up being such a good thing? Yes, it turns out these insipid trash-piece bloated websites owned by fresh-faced entrepreneurs with no actual talent are actually good for stimulating brain growth! It sounds unbelievable, but it’s true! So the next time you see your aunt sharing an article from some clickbait sweatshop, think twice about hiding her posts. Give ‘em a read every once in a while. You might actually be giving yourself a much needed push to reach that next level you’ve been reaching for!