How to Shill Your Way to Moderate Success

Listen, we all want to be a big star. Go on Instagram and what do you see? A flood of people fighting for attention with their fingers crossed hoping that someday they will be the .001% to be hand picked by God and wake up one morning in an enormous Beverly Hills mansion. Some keep trying until they end up on the streets, insane with delusion, while others give up and fall into the routine of telling themselves every morning at 4 AM to go to their job at the hip new coffee joint in the city that they are perfectly happy working for minimum wage. Maybe someday they will become a manager and achieve a small piece of that pie we all want so bad. Everyone wants to see big numbers when they check their bank balance and buy nice cars to post pictures of on Facebook. Heck, it’s the American Dream! But how in the world do you achieve something like that these days when there is so much competition in the job market and so many people are struggling to make ends meet? Not only that, but working is… well, it’s hard! Don’t give up so easily. The answer is quite simple. That’s right. Achieving your dreams and having everything you always wanted from life is simpler than it has ever been before, and with a little time and effort, you too can be paying thousands of dollars a month for a 100 square foot apartment in New York City and be rubbing elbows with all of the other upper middle class folks who dared to dream. So how do you achieve such a thing? The answer is so simple that you will kick yourself once you find out what it is. Get this: Sell yourself out to multi-million dollar corporations! Yes, it is that simple!  Some of you skeptics out there may be saying, “No way this will work. I don’t have any kind of talent!” Good news! You don’t need any talent at all to shamelessly promote the commodities of faceless billion dollar corporations in the hopes that they will throw some spending money your way.

shillA perfect example of professional, high-level shilling.

“So how do I get started?”, you may be asking. It’s simple. Do you have a blog? Of course you do. All aspiring writers have a blog where they dump all their pointless thoughts that no one cares about. Hell, you’re reading one right now! If you don’t, then what are you waiting for? Go start one! It’s easy! Once you have a blog set up, all you have to do is write about whatever dumb crap you want and shamelessly sneak in praise for your favorite products with multiple links to the company’s website and online stores where these products may be purchased by readers. It can be fast food or even a hairbrush you bought. Start simple. Pick something you like! Shilling products you aren’t familiar with takes a level of skill that is not obtainable without a bit of practice and spiritual decay, and I know you don’t like to hear the dreaded W-word, but you must work your way up to the level of shamelessness required to hawk a product you’ve never even used before. With enough time and effort, you will get there. Don’t worry. It shouldn’t take too long if you really put your mind to it and forget about your dreams of ever producing anything of real value. Now that all that’s out of the way, this next step is vital. Be sure to start a Twitter account for your blog and do whatever it takes to make both the blog and Twitter look as professional as possible. The closer they look to a legitimate news website, the better. The trick here is to fool people into thinking you are actually providing them with useful information instead of the promotional fluff they have become desensitized to from living in a capitalistic hell. Whenever you tweet your blog post, be sure to tag the company you are shilling for so they can see all the work hard you are doing for them. I mean, what is the point of shilling for a company if they don’t even know you are doing it? And that’s really all there is to it! You’ll get the hang of it over time. Soon you will be squirting out articles at a pace you never even imagined possible and raking in more money than you will know what to do with.

thrillist2“Whenever you tweet your blog post, be sure to tag the company you are shilling for so they can see all the hard work you are doing for them.”

Some of you may be thinking, “I could never do something like that. I would be too ashamed of myself! What would my friends and family think of me if they found out I was selling myself and my soul out to whoever is willing to pay for it?” My response to that: Who cares? Allow yourself to fall right into the machine and let it gobble you up. Your soul might wither up and blow away when you release one of your involuntary sighs caused by the stresses of the modern world, but eventually you’ll be making enough money to afford your rent without dipping into the trust fund your wealthy parents set up for you when you were young and they still had hopes for your future. You always knew deep down in your heart that those dreams of being a world renowned journalist or author were never going to come true, so why not settle for the next best thing? There may not be any substance to your content, but at least people will be reading something you wrote. Besides, when people ask what you do when you go out to drink overpriced cocktails with your yuppie acquaintances, you can still tell them you are a writer. No one is going to question you or actually want to read anything you produce anyway. It’s all about image! Content doesn’t matter anymore, so go out there and make a name for yourself already. What are you waiting for?! Go!!

Featured Image by Tracy Olson

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