Uh oh. Frasier’s really done it this time. That boy went and got himself in a whole heap of trouble, and I don’t know if he’s gonna be able to talk his way out of this jam. Frasier, you silly goose! When will you learn??
INT. CRANE MANSION PARLOR – MORNING
Frasier awakes with a start, on the couch, to the sound of
Lupita vacuuming the carpet. He’s still wearing his clothes
from the night before. He sits up and looks around.
Realization seems to come on slowly. A horrified look
appears on his face. He buries his face in his hands.
Oh, dear fucking god.
Lupita stops for a moment and looks at him. He gives her a
She continues vacuuming.
INT. CRANE MANSION KITCHEN – MORNING
Daphne is in the kitchen, fully dressed, pouring herself
coffee, as Frasier enters nervously. She seems to notice
him, but doesn’t look at him.
Daphne, I think you and I should
Good morning, Dr. Crane.
Oh, yes. Good morning, Daphne. I-
Daphne is still looking away.
Would you like some coffee?
Oh, um, yes, please. I believe I
will, thank you.
She pours coffee in another mug and turns toward him.
Anyway, I really must apologize
Here you are, Dr. Crane.
She forces a smile as she hands him the coffee, then looks
away again and sips her own.
Much appreciated, thank you. Now if
you would indulge me for a moment-
I have some errands I need to run.
I’ll be out until later this
evening. There’s plenty of food in
the refrigerator. Help yourself. If
you need anything, just ask Lupita.
She sets her mug down on the counter and starts to leave.
Wait, Daphne, before you leave,
could we please talk about-
She swivels around and looks sternly into his eyes.
Dr. Crane. I must be going now.
Frasier opens his mouth to speak again, but he’s stifled by
Daphne’s harsh look. He looks very confused. Daphne turns
and quickly leaves. Offscreen, the door to the garage opens
and shuts loudly.
Well, alright. Off you go then.
He sips his coffee, looking back and forth anxiously.
INT. CRANE MANSION WINE CELLAR – MORNING
It’s dark. The door opens at the top of the stairs, letting
some light in. A lightswitch is flicked, and lights come on,
illuminating the impressive collection of fine wines and
sherries. Frasier enters, and walks cautiously down the
stairs. He pulls a bottle of red wine from one of the racks,
looks it up and down, and then looks over his shoulder as
though he were being spied on.
INT. CRANE MANSION PARLOR – AFTERNOON
DAVID CRANE, 10, enters the parlor, clad in a baseball cap
and backpack. Jazz music is playing on the record player.
Mom, I’m home!
David is startled to see Frasier lolling on the couch,
clutching a bottle of wine. There are three empty wine
bottles on the coffee table, along with an empty glass which
Frasier has apparently given up using, and a couple more
bottles on the floor. Frasier’s eyes light up, and he
springs to his feet.
Oh! Hello! Hello, young man!
He’s slurring his words. He sets the bottle down and rushes
over to greet David, who’s very alarmed.
Yes, yes, you mus’ be little David,
yes? You prob’ly don’t remember me,
I’m your Uncle Frasier.
Frasier takes David’s hand and shakes it vigorously.
Oh. Hi, Uncle Frasier. Where’s my
Oh, she’s- she’s off running some
errands or somesuch. Come on,
siddown, siddown, talk to me. It’s
been so long, dear David. Why, I-
why, the las’time I saw you, you
were no bigger than a li’l- than a
li’l peanut. Ha! Just a li’l peanut!
Frasier laughs hysterically as he grabs David’s arm and
leads him over to the couch. Frasier grabs the wine bottle
and plops back down on the couch. David drops his backpack
and apprehensively sits down next to him.
Tell me everthing, David, I wanna
know absolutely everthing. How is-
how’s your schooling, David, are
you enjoying your studies? Oh,
baseball! You play baseball, yes? I
heard yer quite a li’l slugger,
Frasier prepares to take a big glug from the bottle, but
stops himself, grabs the glass from the table, and pours
himself a nice full glass instead.
Yeah, I- I like baseball.
You know, son, I happen to be very
good friends with Sam Malone.
He sips liberally from his glass.
You donnow- you donnow who
Sam Malone is? He was a pitcher fer
the Boston Red Sox, one of the
finest baseball players of- time.
Frasier swallows the rest of the wine in his glass, and sets
it back down. He gets quiet for a moment, and looks solemnly
So young, yer still so young. God,
I rememmer when- when he was your
age. Seems like just yesterday.
Frasier takes the baseball cap off of David’s head and
begins to lovingly stroke the boy’s hair.
You look so much like him. It’s as
if he’s- as if he’s sitting right
Frasier’s eyes are welling up with tears. David looks
EXT. CRANE MANSION – AFTERNOON
One of the garage doors opens, and Niles, in his sleek
convertible, pulls up the long driveway and into the garage.
INT. CRANE MANSION GARAGE – CONTINUOUS
The interior of the garage is massive and well-lit, and it
contains several more cars. Niles parks, turns off the
convertible, grabs his briefcase, and hops out. He’s humming
the tune of “Tossed Salads and Scrambled Eggs” to himself as
he makes his way into the house.
INT. CRANE MANSION KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS
Niles strolls into the kitchen, still humming to himself. He
sets his briefcase down on the counter.
I’m home! Hello? Anybody here?
He spies an empty wine bottle on the counter.
We can hear Frasier’s voice offscreen, along with the jazz
music in the background. Niles follows the sound.
INT. CRANE MANSION PARLOR – CONTINUOUS
Lupita? Oh, my goodness.
Frasier is fully embracing David now, and has broken down
sobbing into the young boy’s arms.
Oh, God, Freddie, I’m sorry. I’m so
sorry, my boy. Please forgive me.
Frasier, what the hell is going on
Frasier looks up, loosening his grip enough for David to
slip away and run to Niles. David is crying too.
David grabs Niles tightly, and Niles lays a comforting hand
on his back. Frasier’s face is red and wet and dripping with
snot. Niles stares at him, utterly appalled.