These days, it seems like everybody’s always fretting about the so-called “robot takeover.” Everywhere I go, I hear folks whining about how the machines are going to rise up and enslave humanity. But do these metal hunks-of-junk actually pose a real threat to humankind? Not on my watch.
Look, I know that robots seem badass in Hollywood films like RoboCop, Terminator, and Jetsons: The Movie, but we’re not in some silly movie, okay? This is a real life, and real life robots are nothing but a bunch of chumps, and they got nothing on a strong, powerful, handsome American boy like me. I can promise you right now that if any lousy, stinking robot ever tries to mess with me, my family, or the Constitution, I will swiftly put it down. Don’t believe me? Let’s take a look at the facts:
I’m supposed to be afraid of this thing? Give me a break!
Robots Are Dumb As Shit
Seriously, have you ever met a robot? They’re stupid as all hell. They’re nothing like those clever bastards in the classic Will Smith film I, Robot. Hell, most of the robots I’ve seen are just big arms that do nothing but screw bolts into car doors all day, and that’s it. Just one simple task, that’s all they can do. Pathetic. And then you’ve got these humanoid robots like ASIMO that just take a couple steps on the stage and everybody applauds like it’s the greatest shit they’ve ever seen. Big freakin’ deal. I learned to walk when I was just a little baby, and no one ever clapped for me, not even my parents. My wife bought us a Roomba the other day. Have you seen these Roomba things? The little guy just spins around in circles. It can barely even clean a damn floor, and that’s the one thing that it’s designed to do! And we’re worried about those idiots taking over society? Fat chance!
Perfect target for skeet shooting.
Robots Are Weak
I could kick an ASIMO’s ass any day, no question. Have you seen how slowly that jerk walks? It’s slower than my grandma! By the time it takes two steps toward me, I’ll already have it on the ground with my roundhouse kick. And I’d love to see it try to fight back. As far as I can tell, it doesn’t even have the necessary motor skills to throw a punch. What’s it gonna do, bore me to death? And my Roomba’s no threat at all. If it even thinks for one moment about rising up and trying to enslave me, I can put its lights right out with a single stomp. It wouldn’t even know what hit it. As for those goofy little drones you see flying around, well, I’ve got two words for you, buddy: target practice.
Ugh. Pathetic. Just pathetic.
Robots Are Lame And Boring
Let’s face it, gang: no matter how hard those Hollywood liberals try to make robots look cool and flashy like the cowboy robots on Westworld (that show’s about robots, right?), the fact is that robots are just plain boring and lame as hell. Ever seen any sexy lady cyborgs like the ones in the movies? I don’t think so. They’re all just boxes with wheels or metal arms or chunks of plastic in the vague shape of a person. They’re stupid, weak, brainless nerds who will never get laid. It may sound harsh, but the truth can be harsh sometimes.
Get this trash out of my face!
Call them androids, cyborgs, automatons, whatever you want. They don’t impress me, and they sure as hell don’t scare me. If those dumbasses have the guts to ever even try to stage some kind of robot rebellion, I’ll be right there on the front lines, showing them all what a real American is made of. I know that no manmade thing could ever be as strong or as pure of heart as man, whom our Lord God created in His own divine image. Amen.
As a side note, I’d like to thank TallPeters.com for agreeing to publish this article after it was rejected repeatedly by my church’s newsletter. Thanks for reading, and God bless.