Lately I’ve been hearing a lot of talk about this new video game from Team Ninja called Nioh. It’s supposed to be some sort of action video game inspired by the satanic Dark Souls series that I’ve been avoiding for years (religious reasons), but when I heard that it is supposed to be a historically accurate depiction of events that happened in Japan hundreds of years ago, I couldn’t resist. I love history. I read about it all the time. Nothing more exciting than flipping through my old social studies books from high school and looking at those good pictures. On top of that, I love Japanese culture! Hell, it’s no secret that I think anime is the most sophisticated form of art that has ever been invented by a human mind. Huck that old bitch Moaning Lisa directly into the bin, because anime is where I get my culture now. Have you guys seen this stuff? It’s like watching a movie, but none of the girls on there are actually real, so they can’t disappoint me and make fun of my small penis like the ones I’ve met in real life. They’re perfect! I never have to leave the house these days now that I have anime to keep me company.
Anyway, sorry about that. I got a little riled up thinking about all of my kawaii anime cuties. Back to the video game. To be honest, I don’t know much about the game at all. I didn’t do any research, and I only played it for about thirty minutes. I popped the disc in and suddenly I’m some white man running around in a castle with a bunch of angry brits calling me guv? Not really sure what happened. Someone must have messed up and put a different game in the case. Maybe I’m playing Dark Souls? I don’t know for sure, but there were no noble samurai to be found. All I know is that I died a lot and didn’t make it very far. If I had a katana (THE most powerful sword in the world) I would have probably beaten whatever game it was I was playing by now. (Maybe it was The Witcher??) Whatever. I’m returning this game and picking up a real copy of Nioh later today.
“It is a documented fact that ancient samurai were ripped as hell and could lift cattle over their heads and cleave a man in two with nothing more than a brittle bokken.”
UPDATE: The man at the video game store was very rude and called me the R-Word and a scrub. He said that I didn’t make it far enough into the game to see the samurai and that it only takes about fifteen minutes to get to that part. I demanded he come over to my house and prove it to me, but he called me a pervert and told me to F-Word off (Put your pitchforks down, folks. I’ve already left a bad review on Yelp).
So after getting hassled by Richard at the video game store, I decided to humor him and try to progress further into the game, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get out of the first area. The main character (a WHITE MALE) was nude. I did NOT appreciate the developers forcing me to gaze upon this depiction of what they think the male body should look like. I look nothing like this character. Does my enormous gut make me less of a man? I’m not quite sure what Team Ninja’s message here is, but that is a topic for another article. After getting killed thirty times by the first guard you come in contact with, I squealed at the top of my lungs until my mother came in my room and told me that if I didn’t quiet down she was going to take away my PlayStation. I couldn’t let that happen. Not if I wanted to finish my review. After taking a few deep breaths, I decided I might be better off trying my luck with a Let’s Play on YouTube.
I won’t say which particular channel I ended up watching, because they were a white male, and I do not wish to give them any traffic. I only support Japanese content creators and sometimes Korean. However, I will admit that this particular YouTuber was much better at the game than I was. Probably because they are a virgin loser nerd that does nothing but sit around playing games for babies all day. Sorry I can’t spend all of my time getting good at video games for you guys! I have an actual life!! Not too far into the game, the setting changes to Japan just like Richard at the video game store said it would. He was right, but that was no excuse for him to say the terrible things he said to me. I refuse to take down my Yelp review.
“I don’t know about you folks, but the Shrek memes are getting out of hand, and it is infuriating to see that they managed to find their way into this video game.” Image by GabboT
The first thing I noticed about this game is that it is nothing like the animes I know and love. I thought this game was supposed to be historically accurate? First of all, the main character was a white man in Japan. I shouldn’t have to explain how absurd this is. Japan is a racially pure country that has no tolerance for gaijin (the only thing keeping me from being truly happy). The mystical spirits and beings that protected the land for generations would never allow a white man into their realm. Second, there was not a single Gundam Wing to be seen. Anyone who knows anything about Japanese culture knows that these are ancient interdimensional beings that have watched over Mother Earth’s chosen people for thousands of years. Very insulting to not include them in this video game. Instead there are a bunch of big ugly red ogre monsters. The Shrek memes are getting out of hand, and it is infuriating to see that they managed to find their way into this video game. I’m very ashamed of Team Ninja for giving into the societal pressure to include these juvenile pop culture references in their products and ignore the beautiful history of Japan. Another thing that bothered me was the lack of weapon variety. Every sword I saw was very small and boring to look at. Where are the beautiful, enormous swords I know and love from my anime programs? Where is Sanosuke’s zanbatō? Where is the Tessaiga from Inuyasha? Those swords were left out of the game in favor of these lame little katanas that look like they were made of the aluminum foil I use to bake potatoes? Infuriating. I want to see REAL swords from Japanese history. Not these uninspired toothpicks. Boring and insulting. Don’t even get me started on how puny the samurai in this game are. They all look like wimpy little string beans. Every guy I’ve seen on this game is a tiny little boy with a sword that looks like total wiener compared to the main character. Is this some kind of racial message from Team Ninja? It is a documented fact that ancient samurai were ripped as hell and could lift cattle over their heads and cleave a man in two with nothing more than a brittle bokken. I could easily kick these guys asses, and I can hardly walk without fracturing my legs with my massive girth. And why did they leave out the ancient Japanese hero Goku? That guy was crucially swole and heroic, but he is nowhere to be seen. It’s all bullshit. This game is garbage, and it doesn’t look like fun at all. It doesn’t even have any cute girls that you can impress and undress like in my dating sims that I play sometimes when I feel alone. That is the kind of game I have come to love and respect from the superior Japanese developers. There are far too many western influences in Nioh, and I fear that soon this will be the norm for Japanese games. I don’t want to play God of War. I don’t want to play Mass Effect. When I hear that a video game is based on Japanese history, I expect to see cute anime girls. I want to see Evangelions. I don’t want to see white males with rippling muscles. I can’t jerk off to this crap. The game gets a 0/10 from me. It’s garbage. Piss. Go play a game like Hyperdimension Neptunia or Touhou if you want to see historical accuracy. Maybe try out a Persona game. Those are games made by developers that care about the rich history and culture of their country who don’t white wash their video games with propaganda and bullshit. Nioh is a disgrace, and I’m ashamed of myself for wasting money on it. I urge you not to make the same mistake I made.