The 2016 presidential election will be sure to go down in history as one of the greatest upsets in American history. Even now, weeks after the inauguration, many of us are still in disbelief that human garbage can Donald John Trump somehow managed to defeat an opponent who was infinitely more qualified, more experienced, and superior in every conceivable way. I’m talking, of course, about Goku.
If there’s one thing this election has taught us, it’s that the left in our country is hopelessly divided. At such a crucial pivot point in history, when we all should have considered it our responsibility to unify and rally behind our strongest candidate—the powerful Saiyan warrior Son Goku—many misguided millennials turned to fringe candidates like Gary Johnson, Jill Stein, and Hillary Clinton, thus splitting the vote and ensuring Trump’s victory. It’s all in the numbers: if everyone who voted for Johnson, Stein, and Clinton had cast their vote for Goku instead, he would have won by a landslide. But alas, some people are just too stubborn.
Goku is a brave and selfless defender of peace, unmatched in his heroism. He’s repeatedly put his own life on the line to save our planet more times than I can count, and his power level has been recorded as high as 150 million. But now, instead of Goku, we have a bumbling, orange boogeyman with a creepy-uncle vibe running the country. What’s Uncle Trump’s power level? Probably like 3, tops.
Now that we’re living in this hellish funhouse world, it’s becoming increasingly difficult for me to accept reality, so I’m resisting Trump’s America the only way I know how: by mentally retreating into a fantasy land in which my preferred candidate rightfully won the election, and imagining all the great stuff he would do if he were in charge…
-On his first day in office, President Goku signs an executive order requiring Domino’s Pizza to apply their carryout deals to delivery orders as well, citing that carryout-only specials are unfair to those of us whose social anxiety prevents us from going inside the Domino’s restaurant.
-In a historic move, Goku declares that gaming is a basic human right, and establishes a voucher program to provide every low income family with a refurbished Sega Dreamcast. Human rights groups worldwide applaud President Goku’s landmark decision.
-As our first openly atheist president, Goku officially recognizes atheists as the world’s most oppressed minority group and begins taking steps to create inroads for atheist equality. To usher in a new era of rationalism, he abolishes Martin Luther King Jr. Day, calling it a violation of separation of church and state to have a federal holiday honoring a Baptist minister, and renames it Christopher Hitchens Day.
Wow, can you believe it? Just one month in office, and our wise and inspirational new president is already making the world a better place. Nothing can ever go wrong here in Goku’s America, where everything is perfect and beautiful. We are finally free. I love you, President Goku.