OFFICIAL Persona 5 Review

Folks, it has finally happened for me. That’s right, after 34 long years, I finally have a girlfriend. I never thought it would happen for me, but thanks to my good friends at Atlus and their newest video game Persona 5, I finally have a beautiful woman to share my life with. Don’t believe me?? Take a look at THIS.

trophy

That’s right. Undeniable proof that I am in a relationship with a SOMEONE (a girl). What do you say to that? All of you haters out there who said that I would be alone forever can take a freakin’ hike already. We are kissing as I type this, and there’s nothing you jealous assholes can do to tear us apart. Her name is Futaba Sakura, and she is a perfect angel. Everything about her makes me smile, and we have so much in common. She smells terrible because she doesn’t bathe and never leaves her room for weeks at a time… just like me! She is also socially awkward and cannot have a normal conversation with another human being without saying meme words. I, too, turn casual conversations into excruciating nightmares by saying words I heard online and mentioning cartoon frogs whenever possible. It is hard to deny that we are perfect for each other. She is also extremely short. I am only 5’4” and very self-conscious about my height, but with Futaba, I am no longer afraid. She makes me feel like a big, strong, handsome man, and I treasure every blissful moment I have the privilege of spending with her. However, I must admit that things were a little rocky at the start of our relationship. My mother was not happy to hear that I was dating a fifteen year old girl from a video game, but eventually she realized how true our love for each other was and stopped crying alone in her room for hours after work.

futabaHer name is Futaba Sakura, and she is a perfect angel. Everything about her makes me smile

Many of you may be wondering how I feel about Persona 5 as a video game. To that, all I have to say is this: Who cares? I have come to the realization after my hundreds of hours with Futaba that there is so much more to life than video games, and I am ashamed of myself for not realizing it sooner. Every second spent on video games is precious time wasted that could have been spent with my lovely Futaba. Besides, the game is super easy and boring anyway. I don’t really see why anyone would actually want to play it. Change the difficulty to Safety, and you can get through the entire thing with auto-battle. A real snooze-fest if you ask me, but that isn’t what Persona games are about, so who cares? Dungeons are just a minor annoyance, but there aren’t that many of them anyway. I just wish it didn’t take so long to meet Futaba in the game, but I guess that can’t be helped. “Good things come to those who wait,” as they say.

battel.PNGChange the difficulty to Safety, and you can get through the entire thing with auto-battle. A real snooze-fest if you ask me, but that isn’t what Persona games are about, so who cares?

What really makes this game stand out is the variety when it comes to picking out your girlfriend. Even though Futaba is perfect in every way, and I would never interact with any of the other girls, I’m sure there are people out there with poor taste who would much rather spend time with a different girl, and Persona 5 gives you that option. There’s a supermodel, a doctor, a teacher, a cat, an alcoholic, and tons more! Unless you are a total freak with very specific preferences, there is someone in Persona 5 for everyone. There’s literally just no reason for anyone to be lonely anymore in 2017, and it’s all thanks to the geniuses at Atlus. I don’t know if they understand what a wonderful thing they have done for me, but I am grateful. Oh, by the way, unlike real life you can save your game before you go out on a date with your girlfriend and reload whenever you want so you can experience these wonderful moments again and again. I’ve taken Futaba out on the same date at least thirty times now. It never gets old, and she never gets tired of me. Her beautiful smile always helps me through the stagnant hell that my life has become. She won’t give up on me like everyone else has. We are perfect for each other. Persona 5 is a 10/10.

Images by my good friends at Atlus

Why The Internet is Actually Shrinking

Ever wake up at night in a puddle of cold sweat or stale piss (not sure which) worried about how grotesquely big and fat the internet is getting. In less enlightened times past, us pallid weenie nerd losers at The Tallsome Peter Foundation have too. And if we were to take the government’s word for it, (fat chance!!!!!!!!!), we will swallow down the tall tale that the internet is growing exponentially and more really good web type stuff like retweets and frog memes and gargantuan anime .pngs are being rabidly uploaded to the websnet at all seconds of the day.  But actually this is not what is happening in real life, and the wokest among us are realising more and more of the internet is disappearing all of the time. Ever tried scrolling to the end of the front page of Reddit.com? You can’t go very far. Or scrolling all the way down your news feed on Facebook? You’re more likely to win the lottery – twice. Or how about getting all the way to the last page of a porn category on xvideos? No chance. Your dick would be a deflated slimy lump before you even hit page 69.

Continue reading Why The Internet is Actually Shrinking

Simply Astounding Facts About DOGS

WARNING: The following post is for DOG LOVERS ONLY. If you’re one of those Cat People and you’ve come here to spread your vicious dog hate, you better stop reading this right now, because you are NOT wanted here. As for my fellow Dog Persons, please enjoy these unbelievable-but-true facts about our favorite four-legged friends. Continue reading Simply Astounding Facts About DOGS