Ever wake up at night in a puddle of cold sweat or stale piss (not sure which) worried about how grotesquely big and fat the internet is getting. In less enlightened times past, us pallid weenie nerd losers at The Tallsome Peter Foundation have too. And if we were to take the government’s word for it, (fat chance!!!!!!!!!), we will swallow down the tall tale that the internet is growing exponentially and more really good web type stuff like retweets and frog memes and gargantuan anime .pngs are being rabidly uploaded to the websnet at all seconds of the day. But actually this is not what is happening in real life, and the wokest among us are realising more and more of the internet is disappearing all of the time. Ever tried scrolling to the end of the front page of Reddit.com? You can’t go very far. Or scrolling all the way down your news feed on Facebook? You’re more likely to win the lottery – twice. Or how about getting all the way to the last page of a porn category on xvideos? No chance. Your dick would be a deflated slimy lump before you even hit page 69.
If your long term memory functions haven’t been utterly decimated through overstimulation after years of suckling a nourishing wean from the swole interteat and you can somehow remember websites from like ten years ago, just try and type them into the web page access hole and see if you can visit them – usually you can’t (some exceptions [but noticeably, not very many]). All of these dead web sites account for huge portions of the internet. If you imagine the internet as some sort of large, visually appealing pie chart or other genre of graph, my guess would be that dead web pages would be at least 69%. This rotten, decaying internet mass leaves a stagnant pool of festering web meat which can cause all sorts of issues for nearby internet users, such as 404 links and brain cancer.
Even more pressing, with the ongoing problem of overpopulation happening right now in real life, as it corresponds to the shrinking of the net, pretty soon we’re going to run out of webspace to fit all of the people on and we’re going to have to think of something so we can all get our fix of online sstuff. Many alarmists would have us exile undesirables from the web. While it would be good to remove a few freeloaders such as girl gamers and food reviewers who sit in their cars, there are far more rational solutions. One good one that I recently came up with whilst also thinking about quantum mechanics and astrophysiology (IQ of 169 here) would be to print off physical copies on paper of large parts of the internet to be used in analogue , whilst leaving the rest of the internet to be used as normal with the mouse clicking and keyboard strokes et cetera.
All this begs the question, though, with all this damning evidence, why are officials still reporting that the internet is still growing in size rather than owning up and trying to deal with such a pressing issue. Well the answer is obvious. The fat cats who are purring in the White Home or the Kremlin are actively trying to delete the internet – one page at a time. We denizens of the free and true web must be diligent in our creation of new web sites and pages or they will be deleted faster than new ones are created, and then the internet will disappear altogether.