Tall Peters’ Guide to Choosing the Right Halloween Costume in 2017

Well, it’s that time of year again. October, the spookiest of all months, is in full swing, and proud American tradition dictates that you choose a culture or ethnicity other than your own to wear as a costume while you get sloshed. But wait! These days, wearing the wrong cultural identity can land you in hot water, so you better choose carefully or you might end up with your head on the social media chopping block. Luckily for you, the intrepid minds here at Tall Peters HQ have put together some innovative new costume ideas to keep you on the right side of history this Halloween!

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IDEA #1: Dress up as a member of an uncontacted tribe

As we all know, there are a small number of uncontacted peoples still living in the world. Right? We’ve all heard someone say that, so it’s probably true. And if these folks have never had contact from the outside world, they have no way of knowing that you exist, and it would be impossible for your costume to offend them. Hell, they don’t even know that Halloween exists! This is what’s known, in legal terminology, as a loophole. After all, if a fellow partygoer took offense, wouldn’t they be speaking on behalf of another culture whose true feelings they have no way of knowing? Sounds pretty hypocritical to me. Maybe they’re the one who’s racist!

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IDEA #2: Dress up as other white people

Great news! Nonwhite ethnicities may be off the table, but we still have a whole treasure trove of different kinds of white people we can mock as we please. And thanks to the ever-changing definition of whiteness, formerly oppressed ethnic groups like the Irish and the Italians are now fully white, and therefore fair game. Yes, you heard me right: you can be as racist as you want to all those dirty, stinking Irishmen and sweaty guidos and it totally doesn’t count! Mamma mia! (Please note that this suggestion is for white people ONLY. Tall Peters does not condone Reverse Racism, which is just as bad as Regular Racism, according to logic.)

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IDEA #3: Keep it sexy, ladies

Don’t worry, girls, we haven’t forgotten about you! For the fairer sex, Halloween is about much more than just making a mockery of other people’s cultures. It’s that one special time of year where a woman is legally permitted to wear a sexy outfit. A night of empowerment, where scantily-clad women of all ages bravely march through the streets without fear of being arrested for public indecency. But what’s a gal to do when tried-and-true classics like Sexy Geisha, Sexy Belly Dancer, and Sexy Convenience Store Clerk are no longer acceptable? Time to get creative! Maybe try Sexy Hasidic Jew? That’s one I’ve never seen before. Sure, it might ruffle some feathers if you encounter some actual Jews, but since Halloween is technically a Christian holiday, they really have no business being there in the first place. Sorry, Jews, but that’s cultural appropriation. I don’t make the rules here, I’m just reporting the facts.

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Well, that’s it. That’s all the advice I have for you. I really dug deep for these nuggets of wisdom, so I hope you jerks appreciate them. Personally, I don’t care about any of this, and I plan to spend my Halloween night relaxing at home on the couch and screaming at every little brat that comes to my door demanding candy. I’m already drowning in debt trying to support my own worthless children, and now I’m supposed to provide candy for the whole damn neighborhood? What kind of sick holiday is this anyway?

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