It came as no surprise earlier this month when we learned that former folk-rock singer/anti-science crusader/woman hater Jill Stein was being investigated for collusion with Russia. She possesses all the classic traits of a Soviet double agent: her so-called “leftist” politics, her constant efforts to undermine the democratic process, her smooth rockstar charisma. All qualities that she shares with that other confirmed Russian collaborator, Bernie Sanders. (They’re also both Jews. Just stating the facts here.) Continue reading RUSSIAGATE BOMBSHELL: EXCLUSIVE LEAKED EMAILS REVEAL SECRET RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN PUTIN AND GREEN PARTY CANDIDATE JILL STEIN
Yes… YES!! I can’t believe it. The space film I love is finally out. Can you even believe it, folks? The wookers and the light swords will really be swingin’ this holiday season. I love it. Every year I get to hoot and scream at the good lights on screen as I am stimulated once again by the familiar sound effects and storylines that keep being milked to death year after year by greedy corporate executives. It fills me with joy I can’t get elsewhere else to know that there is a company out there churning out this good shit just for me and other grown children like me who gobble up turds by the truckload as long as they have those good logos I recognize. Just take a look at my numerous Funko POP!!! figures that litter my miserable home. Yes, they’re hideous, cheap, plastic garbage designed to milk money out of people with no aesthetic taste, but I can’t stop wasting my meager paychecks on them. I gotta have all my favorite characters covering every square inch of my home. And LEGOS too… wow. I can’t get enough of those baby toys. Nothing gets my blood flowing more than releasing a primal squeal as I run over to the toy aisle to buy the latest LEGO playset. Sometimes I knock over children with my enormous jostling gut as I race to be the first one to get my hands on one, but I don’t care. These foolish children weren’t even alive when Star Wars first came out. They don’t understand it the way I do. They don’t deserve to spend hours piecing those neat little blocks together until it resembles a sharp, blocky version of my favorite fictional space craft. They should be playing with toys for babies instead and not be allowed anywhere near works of art like my LEGO playset.
“Yes, they’re hideous, cheap, plastic garbage designed to milk money out of people with no aesthetic taste, but I can’t stop wasting my meager paychecks on them. ” Image by Ron Bailey
This stuff is for men who have been molded by the fear and anxiety of wondering for years at a time when the next Star Wars film will come out and whether it will be as good as my favorite (Episode III). Luckily for me, every Star Wars film has been an absolute masterpiece. Each one is better than the last. I don’t think I could possibly put into words what makes them so incredible, but boy do they speak to me. I haven’t wasted my time reading any books or whatever like some nerds, but I can say with full confidence that each and every Star Wars story is a finely crafted work art that rivals the great classics like the Great Gatby. That book is absolute trash compared to the tale of Anakin Skywalker. I can tell just from looking at the cover that it doesn’t delve deep into the mind of a powerful jedi who must learn to use his force…. Thinking about it is taking my breath away and making me sweat. We have all had to deal with these struggles at one point or another. Sand is coarse.
A rare peek at my collection of Star Wars memorabilia. Image by Kristina D.C. Hoeppner
Some of you may not know this about me, but I train as a jedi master. I am getting closer by the day to using the force in a powerful and useful way. Just the other day I was able to move a leaf I saw outside of the window of the bus I was riding in to my job. It was an exhilarating feeling to see power flowing from me out into the universe and to be able to look around knowing how much better I was than everyone else. I have even been making progress with a girl. My mind control is working flawlessly, and sometimes I am able to get her to make eye contact with me. All it takes is hard work and dedication to hone these mystical powers. That is what Star Wars has taught me. I lie awake at night and wonder what kind of man I would be if I Star Wars had not come into my life. I cry as I think of how bare my room would be without the plastic figures of my favorite characters watching over me. I hug my Chewbacca body pillow tight and soak it with tears as I thank him for being there for me during all my times of need. Star Wars has never let me down. It’s more than a movie. It is a llife style…
Images by William Tung, Tama Leaver, and BrokenSphere
Oh shit! Is it December again already? Another year has flown by, and you’ve been so busy exploding into apoplectic rage on a daily basis over the president’s poorly-worded tweets and questionable dietary habits that, once again, you completely forgot to put aside any money to buy overpriced electronic junk for your filthy children. Last year, we helped you appease those ungrateful little vermin with some clever gift ideas that didn’t cost you a dime, but you promised them that this year would be different. So if you want to keep your family from completely falling apart, you’re really gonna have to get creative this time. Continue reading A Broke Dad’s Guide to Christmas, Part Two