Today, and for the rest of this week, and perhaps even most of next week, we mourn one of the finest public servants who ever lived. No other figure in modern politics has enjoyed such broad support, garnering effusive praise from everyone from moderate Democrats to right-leaning Democrats. And we here at Tall Peters are no exception.
Alexander Gillman “John” McCain was born on a small farm in Nazi Germany on August 29, 1936. His family managed to escape a tragic fate and immigrate to the United States when his father, a gifted scientist, was recruited by the US government as part of a humanitarian exchange program known as Operation Paperclip. He was thoughtful and inquisitive by a young age, and though he had been assigned female at birth, he settled on male as his gender by the time he was 8, a move which was lovingly encouraged by his devout Muslim family.
McCain was first propelled to the stage of international stardom as a performance artist while living abroad in Vietnam in 1967, causing a wave of controversy by ironically joining the US military just to intentionally crash multiple planes in a caustic rebuke of American imperial excess. But his true pièce de résistance came later, when he intentionally sealed himself inside a hut in the jungle for five full years, from 1968 to 1973, subjecting himself to squalid conditions in a fearless display of solidarity with the Vietnamese people suffering under Western imperial hegemony. At one point during his self-imposed imprisonment, he even allowed himself to be brutally beaten for four days straight, though it’s not clear what the specific thematic implication of this part of the performance was meant to be. Some biographers contend that he simply enjoyed it.
Though these unconventional artistic endeavors caused a furor among many in his adopted home country, it was the stardom that he gained from them that would eventually propel him to make history as the first ever trans Muslim member of the US Senate, for which he became singularly known. Indeed, it was in the Senate that he earned his nickname, John, after the slang term for a toilet, stemming from his famous habit of letting other senators piss and shit in his mouth. And though he was a lifelong Republican, he embodied his commitment to bipartisanship by allowing members of both parties, and even an occasional Independent, piss and shit all over him. He was a real sick motherfucker and a true patriot to the end.
Senator McCain is survived by his wealthy beer heiress wife Cindy (affectionately known as “Cunt” by the late senator) and his unbearably shrill pundit daughter Meghan, who honors his esteemed legacy by having daily reactionary meltdowns on daytime television. He will be dearly missed.