Stop Complimenting Me on my Dirty, Disgusting Beard

Yeah, I get it. You think this big piece of shit on my face is really something special. Well I have news for you. Yeah, it looks the same as all the big beards you see online these days hanging off the minuscule chins of chicken-legged freaks . Really cool, but I am begging you to stop. Please don’t compliment my beard anymore. This isn’t something I want. It isn’t something I enjoy. Do you think I like having this filthy rat nest swinging from my jaw? Of course not. I repulses me. I hate getting clumps of mustard caked into the hairs. It’s a miserable nightmare, but there is simply nothing that can be done about it. You see, I’m not making a statement here about my own masculinity. The fact of the matter is that I am a lazy piece of shit, and I have no desire to improve my hygiene in any way. That musky odor isn’t a new fragrance from some online store designed to milk money out of insecure males who want to be like the black and white photos of their grand-paps who had anchor tattoos on their bloated biceps from tying ropes all day long. No, that smell is me. What you thought was herbs and other natural  wonders of nature are my unwashed underpants and a spritz of piss and ass. Disgusted? You should be. Stop enabling my bad behavior and inability to function in society please! I should not be praised for living this way, but somehow I’m more celebrated now than ever before. Good things keep falling into my lap, and I have had enough. I was always told that if I worked hard, good things would come to me. Not the other way around! I smell. I stink. I haven’t shaved or showered in over a month. My home smells like a barn, and I only leave the house when it’s dark outside, but the brainwashed masses seem to think that this is me doing my best. I have news for you! This is me at rock bottom! Do not encourage me to be this way. You are enabling my horrid life and behavior. Everyone thinks I’m charming when I scream at the grocery store and I’ve even had girls slip me their numbers. What has happened to society? I should be shunned, yet here I am proudly displayed upon a pedestal! Is this what you look for in a man? Is this what you think you deserve? A braindead sack of filth? Come on! You’re better than that! Do I actually have to work hard and be successful to finally receive the ridicule I deserve? Do I have to shave, wash, and put on a suit to be treated like a dumb ape? Seems to be the case! Everyone is always shitting on the every man for doing his best, but here I am, god in the eyes of society because my body has an adequate amount of juices. It’s unreal and disgusting. Get some standards!

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