Seven Rustic Autumn Recipes

Now that summer is down the fucking toilet for another year, it’s time to forget about all the good times in the outside world (easy for me – there were none) and think dimly about stuff which all stems from a primal desire to hibernate in a hole like the stupid and weak mammals that we are. Nothing says hibernation like autumn (for US readers: Fall), and nothing says autumn like making a large meal to eat. Here at tall petters com, where big dogs get touched (and more), we are big advocates of healthy eating. And by big, I mean fat! Most days however, after a hard day of crying loudly about our grotesquely pathetic lives, us peterers need consume gratuitous amounts of comfort food. As seasoned manchildren, our favourite recipes are of course the ones when we were young, so here we will talk of typical childhood staples from a place of empires and umpires (Cricket).

Giblet & Nip Pie


Ah, the age old problem of just what to do with your giblets. Got masses and masses of assorted old animal guts piling up in the fridge and no where to put em??? No problem, use this simple recipe to really get the most out of em. Froth your gibs in a large pot with rhubarb, salt and sage. Add a full tin of cold nips in syrup – and before you ask it doesn’t matter what brand! I personally prefer Cruddle’s but just pick any. Mash manfully until you have a gooey existential pulp. Roll your pastry pie-wise and condemn the mixture within. A good tip is to lather the pie crust in a thin layer of giblet discharge to achieve that authentic crispy pie tang.

Jellied ‘Eels


A very well known dish, jellied ‘eels is exactly what you’d expect – wheels of cheese suspended in gelatine. Simply buy a packet of jelly from your nearest jellymongers and cram whatever chunks of cheese you like in there. You can put other stuff in there too like pickled eggs, sausage fritters, beans on toast – just any kind of staple food. Think outside the box with this one blokes!

Spam & Arse Gravy


Loads of bloody poncy foreigners are turned off by the name of arse gravy, but what those immigrant nonces don’t know is that the gravy in this authentic dish is actually derived from the taint area rather than the arse itself. Simply deglaze a fresh, unwashed sack and taint location with boiling beef and mushroom stock and add to a large pot of slowly churning spam – roughly 6 or 7 tins. Season to taste and serve with a traditional slice of sun-dried mayonnaise.

Hoity Toity Goiters


Goiter meat was a delicacy in England (It isn’t known colloquially as “‘Gland” for no reason, you know!) as lately as the 1980s, but has recently fallen from fashion due to prevalence of media advocated vaccinations and such. Folly! Simply procure nicely goiter stricken lad – I got mine from the local gypsy caravan for the tidy price of 75 bob – bind and string him up nice and tight, allowing the goiter to swell and ripen for 3 to 9 weeks. When the goiter is a deep purple with tangible sheen this means it is will soon flower, so hack it off whole then slice thinly, layer in a roasting tin with rosemary and butternut squash before slathering gratuitously with port and lard. Roast for 1 hour and 30 minute. That’s 75 minutes metric for you Euroberks! Serve with vinegared beetroot and a massive packet of cheese and onion crisps.

Old Balls


Leftover sets of balls were traditionally consumed in great quantities during wartime, when German testes were shipped in their hundreds of thousands directly from the Front. Similarly, any one too cowardly to conscribe for the great effort would too be unmanned in a government drive that infamously became known as the “Bolly-wolly Nopply Choppers”. Assess your bollock carefully for freshness, a good tip is to dunk it in boiling water, as me dear dead nan used to say incessantly: if it floats, keep the knacker; if it wallows, chuck it backer. Serve your bollocks whole in a bisque, or grate them into a stew.

Shambled Gut Lumps


Briskly flaff off the lumps with a flaffer, the received wisdom is to use a hand held one but you can use an electric one if you’re a puff. Bungle the crummy guts into a wonky old pot, jumbling in blood clotted cream diagonally as you do. Carefully separate out the spenks, wangling the lumps lengthward to maximise the cookiness. Season profusely with lemon, mint, and piss.

Nutsacks Full of Sloppy Shite Grafted On To A Dead Fucking Pig And Slathered With Dirty Chunks Of Congealed Cum


I’m sure this was the recipe everyone been waiting upon. Whip this out when you need a real show stopper. Firstly you will need to accumulate a great deal of spunk – allocate a large barrel in your pantry for this purpose. A good tip would be to get your mates in on the wanking to speed up this process. Add onions and whole ginger to the cum solvent to appropriately bring out the salty flavours. Be sure to practice your needle work in the mean time. Get a sack of old scrotes from the market, ensuring to haggle loudly and pejoratively with the invariably wart-eyed Norfolk cuntwife selling such wares. Pry the sacs open carefully without emptying the vital contents, the cram em up full of freshly mashed shite. Now you can sew em on your sow. Test the consistency of your cum before applying – it should smell and taste like fresh bilge from the Thames.

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