As everyone surely knows by now, here at thetallpeter.com, home of everything that’s tall about pete, we are at located categorically on the cutting edge of cultural concurrences in all the gayest and most retarded parts of the internet. Unlike most, we do not see the online zeitgeist as some sort of reprehensible omni-cancer that writhes and pulses abjectly as it swells and consumes; nay, us good folks at teepees exist harmoniously within the ‘geist – our relationship with the web is complex and meaningful, sort of like those parasites that live inside the mouths of fish.
Now, as sworn guardians of the web wastes, we can’t help but be intrigued by the current online trend of having sexual relations with horses. We’re avid content consumers here in pete town, we really guzzle down that content, and the Lord above knows at times we’ve slurped a miserable dribble or two from some of the most suspect of holes. We’ve dutifully dunked our collective head deep into the trash morass of the wild world web for well over a decade and a half and even we have scarcely been able to get to grips with all the horse porn that people are making and talking about non-stop in 2019.
Don’t believe me? Why not try it yourself! Even basic, safe for work searches like “Horse Porn Huge Ejaculation”, “Horny Horse Boner Cum”, “Sex Stallion Beast Man Love”, “Human Anus Deposited With Gallons Of Beast Semen”, “or “Man’s Ass Hole Never The Same Again After Rutting Mustang Annihilation”, will yield startlingly voluminous results of intimate relations between steed and man.
Even gormless idiot children can easily come across content such as their favourite instagram stars get boned by a frenzied, wild-eyed mules; or so-called ‘pranks’ on youtube where uncanny valley cretins find homeless people to covertly lure a horse towards as they sleep, before conspiring to commit a bestial sex attack the likes of which the victim can only pray results in death.
Now, I am not a bigoted man. Any people who have sex with horses, even allegedly, are not criminal to me. And, as is well known, I, as is typical of all of us at tall peters, am wretchedly desperate to be culturally relevant even for a second. But I draw the line at letting my ass get fucked by a horse.
Look, if it was up to me to think about the laws and invent them for everyone else (which, it should be, and with your help it can – simply click here and provide a not-for profit donation to the Tall Peters’ Political Party (Non Political)), I would not imprison beast fornicators. Perhaps I wouldn’t be beyond exiling them to zoo or maybe a farm where they could repay their debt to society but also be free to engage in any wild sex acts that they might wish to do – but let’s not get into the details too much.
Seeming intelligent is absolutely crucial to us at tall peters, which is why I’ve put my internet history into irrevocable disrepute by conducting extensive research into why taking it up the ass from a stallion can have a number of negative effects.
Think of the internal damage that can be done by a massive horse dick going into your insides. Organs are internal for a good reason, and it’s not just because God wanted it that way in the bible. Those things are tender as hell – you ever eaten kidney? A big hard dick fucking into that general area can only mean trouble if you ask me. Personally, I don’t want a powerful long horse dick relentlessly fucking around in there, but that’s just me.
Moreoverly, when it comes to getting fucked by horses, it’s not often that people consider the implications of the act from the perspective of the horse. It’s very easy to get carried away when getting raw horsed, as the well known saying goes, but have the beast fornicators among our readership considered if the horse really wants to ream their tender colon? These days, there are thousands of well-documented instances of horse fucking-induced death. The focus is always on the tragedy of the loss of human life. But how do these fuck-deaths affect the horses in question?
Just imagine if you’re having fun getting your bone on, really getting up in there with your appendage, colonising that colon. Suddenly, the warmth of your chosen ass becomes a cold, unresponsive husk. You’ve just killed a person with your dick. Pretty traumatising and sad, huh? I know. The rarity of this perspective is a real shame.
Horses, despite our best efforts, have never been able to talk. The issue of consent here is a clear one. Just because that horses dick is big and hard doesn’t mean they definitely want to get it in you – everyone should try to remember this.
Ultimately, while we may be in an era of unprecedented social progression and anal promiscuity, it must be said that in more conservative circles there is still a stigma around people who take it up the ass from a stallion. Now, if a hypothetical video of me getting my butt hole totally ruined by a wildly neighing horse, could I risk my significant social standing if this hypothetical video were to emerge? The answer is no. So please, if you find any videos purporting to show images of me getting in up the wrong’un from an equine or any animal – delete it immediately or my lawyers will be in touch.