Frasier Crane: Conclusion

It’s been nearly three years since we shared the first excerpt from Kelsey Grammer’s rejected pilot script for a dark and gritty Frasier reboot. And now, at long last, we are able to present to you the final 10 pages of this twisted saga, obtained exclusively from a source close to Mr. Grammer. Please ignore the fact that in previous installments we referred to Frasier Crane as a feature-length screenplay. We were mistaken; it actually is and always has been a one-hour TV pilot.

Now that the staff at TallPeters.com, the world’s #1 entertainment news site, have had the chance to read the script in its entirety, we can say that it is a fascinating if somewhat unpolished work. As far as we know, Grammer had never written anything before, and it shows. The tone is wildly inconsistent, starting off darkly comedic with some very silly touches and ultimately becoming pretty grim and joyless, almost as if the writer (Kelsey Grammer) had originally intended it to be a sort of parody but gradually forgot that it was supposed to be funny and ended up just channeling his own weird personal problems into the Frasier character. We can only speculate of course, because Kelsey Grammer wrote this, not us.

Previous installments: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7

INT. CAR – NIGHT

African-American Man #3 is driving, with African-American
Man #2 in the passenger seat, and African-American Man #1 in
the backseat with Frasier, who’s mumbling incoherently to
himself.

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #1
Frasier, you good?

Frasier babbles some dismissive gibberish at him and turns
his head away, fading out of consciousness. African-American
Man #1 leans forward and talks quietly to his two friends.

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #1
A’ight, look. This motherfucker
doesn’t need any drugs. Look at
him, he’s fucked up.

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #2
Aw, come on, man.

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #1
What?

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #2
I fucking knew it. You just wanna
rob this dude.

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #1
Whoa, no one said anything about
robbing anybody. He already gave us
the money. That’s not stealing.

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #3
You shady motherfucker.

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #1
Man, fuck both o’ y’all. I’m trying
to do the man a favor. The last
thing he needs right now is fuckin’
heroin.

Frasier, completely passed out now, starts snoring.

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #3
True.

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #2
So, what, we just leave him on the
sidewalk?

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #1
No, man, look. There’s a Motel 6
right down the street. Let’s take
some of that cash and get him a
room, and we can split the rest.

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #2
I don’t know. Mike, you’re driving,
it’s up to you.

African-American Man #3 drives in silence for a moment.
Frasier is still snoring.

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #3
Fuck it. We already came this far.
Let’s just get it over with.

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #1
Alright, that’s cool. But if he
ODs, it’s on y’all. I don’t need
any dead old white motherfuckers on
my conscience.

Frasier perks up, half-awake, just to blurt out some more
gibberish.

EXT. VACANT LOT – MINUTES LATER

African-American Man #3’s car pulls up in front of a lot
occupied by overgrown grass, garbage, and shopping carts. A
streetlight flickers at a nearby corner.

INT. CAR – CONTINUOUS

African-American Man #3 puts the car in park, leaving the
engine running. African-American Man #2 is typing on his
phone. Frasier is fast asleep in the back.

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #3
You sure this is the spot?

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #2
That’s what he told me. Hold on.

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #1
Looks like a great place to get
murdered.

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #2
Calm down. Alright, he’ll be here
in a minute. Turn your lights off.

African-American Man #3 turns off the engine, at which point
Frasier instantly wakes up.

FRASIER
(loudly)
What? Are we here?

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #2
Fuck.

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #3
God damn it.

FRASIER
Where are we? I demand to know!

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #1
Please lower your voice.

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #2
Frasier, relax, we’re getting the
shit for you. Just be cool.

FRASIER
Don’t you worry, young man. I shall
not be intimidated by these
ruffians.

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #3
What the fuck?

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #2
Frasier, please don’t say shit like
that to this dude. You’re gonna
piss him off. In fact, just don’t
say anything, alright?

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #1
This was a bad idea.

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #2
Shit, there he is. Everyone just
shut up and let me do the talking.

African-American Man #2 rolls down his window as the DRUG
DEALER walks up to it.

DRUG DEALER
What’s good, homie?

FRASIER
Good evening, sir. We would like to
purchase some of your finest-

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #2
Shut the fuck up, Frasier!

DRUG DEALER
Fuck is this, dog?

FRASIER
My good man, I assure you, I mean
you no trouble.

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #2
I’m sorry, this is the dude I told
you about. Let’s just do this
quick, and we’ll get outta here.

The drug dealer looks back and forth at the four men in the
car.

DRUG DEALER
Naw, naw. Y’all need to get out of
the car.

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #2
Why don’t we just-

The drug dealer pulls out a gun and points it right at
African-American Man #2’s head.

DRUG DEALER
Out of the fucking car! Right now,
motherfucker.

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #1
Fuck!

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #3
Oh, god.

The drug dealer points the gun at African-American Man #3.

DRUG DEALER
Hands off the wheel, motherfucker.
Out the car, now!

EXT. VACANT LOT – CONTINUOUS

The three young men open their doors and step out slowly and
carefully with their hands up, but Frasier just hops on out
and gets right in the drug dealer’s face.

DRUG DEALER
Whoa whoa whoa, back the fuck up!

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #2
Frasier!

FRASIER
Young man, I assure you, there’s no
need for violence. We have money
and fully intend to pay-

DRUG DEALER
I will fucking shoot you, old man!

African-American Man #2 pulls the whole stack of money out
of his jacket pocket and hands it out toward the drug
dealer.

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #2
Here you go, man, here’s the money.
This is all we got.

The drug dealer snatches the money and then quickly backs
up. African-American Man #3 sighs deeply. They all have
their hands up. Frasier flashes a mischievous look at the
other three men. African-American Man #2 shakes his head
sternly in response.

DRUG DEALER
Everybody on your fuckin’ knees,
right now!

African-American Man #2 just barely starts to kneel down
before Frasier lunges at the drug dealer, grabbing his
wrists and tackling him to the ground. The money flies all
over the place as they start to grapple. The drug dealer
fires off a shot into the air, barely missing Frasier.

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #1
Fuck, let’s get outta here!

African-American Men #1 and #3 run back to the car, while #2
hesitates. Frasier and the drug dealer roll around on the
sidewalk. The drug dealer gets the upper hand and starts
pistol-whipping Frasier’s face.

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #3
Come on, Tommy, let’s fucking go!

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN #2
Fuck!

African-American Man #2 jumps back into the car just as the
engine is starting. He barely has time to shut his door
before the car peels out.

DRUG DEALER
Motherfucker!

Hundred-dollar bills fall slowly to the ground, landing all
over the sidewalk, as the drug dealer continues to bash
Frasier with the pistol, severely bloodying his face and
leaving him unconscious on the ground. By the time he lets
up, the car and Frasier’s three young compatriots are all
long gone.

EXT. VACANT LOT – MORNING

The first rays of the morning sun are just peeking over the
horizon as Frasier is abruptly woken up by a COP. Groggy and
confused, Frasier struggles to open his eyes, which are both
severely swollen and bruised. A stray dog is barking at him.

COP
Sir! Sir, wake up!

Frasier’s face, and his “Dr. Crane” T-shirt, and the
sidewalk are all completely covered in dried blood. The cash
that had previously littered the surrounding pavement is all
gone now. The cop prods Frasier repeatedly with a baton.

FRASIER
Wh- what?

COP
Sir, this is a public place. You
cannot sleep here.

FRASIER
Oh, dear god.

Frasier struggles to sit up. He grabs his head and moans in
pain. The stray dog is still barking at him. An L.A.P.D.
police car with the red and blue lights flashing is idling
right where African-American #3’s car used to be.

COP
Do you require medical assistance,
sir?

FRASIER
I’m awake now, alright? Why don’t
you go pester someone else?

COP
Excuse me, sir?

FRASIER
I’ve had a very rough night,
officer.

COP
Yes, I can see that. You’re lucky I
don’t arrest you for public
drunkenness. Do you have a home to
go back to, sir?

FRASIER
What business is that of yours?

COP
You can’t loiter here. That’s my
business.

FRASIER
Christ, can I even have a moment to
collect myself?

Frasier begins attempting to hoist himself up onto his feet,
grunting and groaning in the process.

COP
You better adjust your attitude
unless you want to go to jail. Is
that your dog, sir?

FRASIER
What? God, no. Get that fucking
mongrel away from me, please.

COP
That’s not my job. I’ll let you off
with a warning this time, but I
better not see you here when I come
back.

FRASIER
Yes, yes. I’m going, alright? See?
I’m leaving.

Frasier starts limping away, wincing with each step. The dog
continues to bark at him as he leaves.

EXT. DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES – DAY

It’s later in the morning now, and the sun is high in the
sky, beating down on Frasier, who’s still limping along
aimlessly. A grotesque sight, with his severely bruised,
bloody face and ripped clothes now soaked in sweat, other
pedestrians deliberately avoid him. He’s clearly exhausted
but keeps on walking to nowhere in particular.

INT. CRANE MANSION DINING ROOM – DAY

Niles and Daphne are sitting on adjacent sides of their
large, ostentatious dining table. Daphne is eating a caprese
sandwich. Niles has an identical sandwich in front of him,
but he hasn’t touched it.

NILES
Do you think we should phone the
police?

DAPHNE
No, Niles, I don’t think we should
phone the police.

NILES
Not to report the theft, of course.
Just to make sure he’s alright.

DAPHNE
Yes, I understand.

NILES
Obviously I’m not happy that he
stole from us. But his well-being
is still my main concern.

DAPHNE
As you’ve said.

NILES
Addiction makes a person do
desperate things. I know that it’s
not in his true character to-

DAPHNE
Eat your sandwich, dear. It’s
really quite delicious.

NILES
Oh, I can’t eat. I’m worried sick.
Daphne, I fear the worst.

DAPHNE
Frasier is a big boy. He can take
care of himself.

NILES
I used to believe that.

Niles looks at his sandwich and sighs. We hear their three
younger sons playing and laughing offscreen.

EXT. SKID ROW – DAY

Around midday, Frasier finds himself in the Skid Row
neighborhood of Downtown L.A. Surrounded by bums and their
makeshift homes at every turn, the oppressive squalor of the
place seems to swallow him up. His arrival here feels
inevitable, as if he’s been drawn in by some magnetic force.

No longer a disturbing aberration amongst polite society,
here he fits right in. Few people take notice of his
presence, and those that do mostly greet him with polite
nods and sympathetic looks. One homeless woman smiles at
him. Weakly, painfully, Frasier smiles back.

END

 

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