Yeah, I get it. You think this big piece of shit on my face is really something special. Well I have news for you. Yeah, it looks the same as all the big beards you see online these days hanging off the minuscule chins of chicken-legged freaks . Really cool, but I am begging you to stop. Continue reading Stop Complimenting Me on my Dirty, Disgusting Beard
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Yes… YES!! I can’t believe it. The space film I love is finally out. Can you even believe it, folks? The wookers and the light swords will really be swingin’ this holiday season. I love it. Every year I get to hoot and scream at the good lights on screen as I am stimulated once again by the familiar sound effects and storylines that keep being milked to death year after year by greedy corporate executives. It fills me with joy I can’t get elsewhere else to know that there is a company out there churning out this good shit just for me and other grown children like me who gobble up turds by the truckload as long as they have those good logos I recognize. Just take a look at my numerous Funko POP!!! figures that litter my miserable home. Yes, they’re hideous, cheap, plastic garbage designed to milk money out of people with no aesthetic taste, but I can’t stop wasting my meager paychecks on them. I gotta have all my favorite characters covering every square inch of my home. And LEGOS too… wow. I can’t get enough of those baby toys. Nothing gets my blood flowing more than releasing a primal squeal as I run over to the toy aisle to buy the latest LEGO playset. Sometimes I knock over children with my enormous jostling gut as I race to be the first one to get my hands on one, but I don’t care. These foolish children weren’t even alive when Star Wars first came out. They don’t understand it the way I do. They don’t deserve to spend hours piecing those neat little blocks together until it resembles a sharp, blocky version of my favorite fictional space craft. They should be playing with toys for babies instead and not be allowed anywhere near works of art like my LEGO playset.
“Yes, they’re hideous, cheap, plastic garbage designed to milk money out of people with no aesthetic taste, but I can’t stop wasting my meager paychecks on them. ” Image by Ron Bailey
This stuff is for men who have been molded by the fear and anxiety of wondering for years at a time when the next Star Wars film will come out and whether it will be as good as my favorite (Episode III). Luckily for me, every Star Wars film has been an absolute masterpiece. Each one is better than the last. I don’t think I could possibly put into words what makes them so incredible, but boy do they speak to me. I haven’t wasted my time reading any books or whatever like some nerds, but I can say with full confidence that each and every Star Wars story is a finely crafted work art that rivals the great classics like the Great Gatby. That book is absolute trash compared to the tale of Anakin Skywalker. I can tell just from looking at the cover that it doesn’t delve deep into the mind of a powerful jedi who must learn to use his force…. Thinking about it is taking my breath away and making me sweat. We have all had to deal with these struggles at one point or another. Sand is coarse.
A rare peek at my collection of Star Wars memorabilia. Image by Kristina D.C. Hoeppner
Some of you may not know this about me, but I train as a jedi master. I am getting closer by the day to using the force in a powerful and useful way. Just the other day I was able to move a leaf I saw outside of the window of the bus I was riding in to my job. It was an exhilarating feeling to see power flowing from me out into the universe and to be able to look around knowing how much better I was than everyone else. I have even been making progress with a girl. My mind control is working flawlessly, and sometimes I am able to get her to make eye contact with me. All it takes is hard work and dedication to hone these mystical powers. That is what Star Wars has taught me. I lie awake at night and wonder what kind of man I would be if I Star Wars had not come into my life. I cry as I think of how bare my room would be without the plastic figures of my favorite characters watching over me. I hug my Chewbacca body pillow tight and soak it with tears as I thank him for being there for me during all my times of need. Star Wars has never let me down. It’s more than a movie. It is a llife style…
Images by William Tung, Tama Leaver, and BrokenSphere
Folks, it has finally happened for me. That’s right, after 34 long years, I finally have a girlfriend. I never thought it would happen for me, but thanks to my good friends at Atlus and their newest video game Persona 5, I finally have a beautiful woman to share my life with. Don’t believe me?? Take a look at THIS.
We’ve all been there, folks. Twelve hours at the office slapping away at the keyboard doing lord only knows what so our boss can go on his third vacation of the year in June, and you’re too worn out to feed yourself when you finally get home. Cooking is hard, and food is expensive. Sometimes it feels like there’s no point in running on this treadmill we call life. Continue reading Just Literally Quick, Cheap, and Breathtakingly Easy Recipes for the Young and Modern Professional Who Simply Cannot Even
Wow, I can’t believe it. After (add later) years in the making, it is finally here. That’s right, I’m talking about the newest entry in Nintendo’s video game series The Legend of Zelda for the new video game system “the Switch”. I got one, and I couldn’t wait to play it. I am not lying. I really do have a Swinch, and I am playing it right now. Why would I lie? It’s so great. I love video games, and I have played all of the Legend of Zelda games there are. My favorite is (add later). I love that game so much. I have so many fond memories of playing it when I was a child and talking about it with all of my friends at school instead of playing sports. I didn’t play sports in school because I love video games is what I mean. Especially The Legend of Zelda!! 😀 Continue reading Video Game Review – The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Wow. We really did it, folks! We set up a
—> store <—
where you can purchase merchandise what says Tall Peters on it. Beautiful. Please buy something. My family needs to eat.
Sorry once again.
Lately I’ve been hearing a lot of talk about this new video game from Team Ninja called Nioh. It’s supposed to be some sort of action video game inspired by the satanic Dark Souls series that I’ve been avoiding for years (religious reasons), but when I heard that it is supposed to be a historically accurate depiction of events that happened in Japan hundreds of years ago, I couldn’t resist. Continue reading Video Game Review – Nioh