All posts by wankhaver

Reasons Why I Don’t Want To Be Fucked By A Horse

As everyone surely knows by now, here at thetallpeter.com, home of everything that’s tall about pete, we are at located categorically on the cutting edge of cultural concurrences in all the gayest and most retarded parts of the internet. Unlike most, we do not see the online zeitgeist as some sort of reprehensible omni-cancer that writhes and pulses abjectly as it swells and consumes; nay, us good folks at teepees exist harmoniously within the ‘geist – our relationship with the web is complex and meaningful, sort of like those parasites that live inside the mouths of fish.

Now, as sworn guardians of the web wastes, we can’t help but be intrigued by the current online trend of having sexual relations with horses. We’re avid content consumers here in pete town, we really guzzle down that content, and the Lord above knows at times we’ve slurped a miserable dribble or two from some of the most suspect of holes. We’ve dutifully dunked our collective head deep into the trash morass of the wild world web for well over a decade and a half and even we have scarcely been able to get to grips with all the horse porn that people are making and talking about non-stop in 2019.

maxresdefault

Don’t believe me?  Why not try it yourself! Even basic, safe for work searches like “Horse Porn Huge Ejaculation”, “Horny Horse Boner Cum”, “Sex Stallion Beast Man Love”, “Human Anus Deposited With Gallons Of Beast Semen”, “or “Man’s Ass Hole Never The Same Again After Rutting Mustang Annihilation”, will yield startlingly voluminous results of intimate relations between steed and man.

Even gormless idiot children can easily come across content such as their favourite instagram stars get boned by a frenzied, wild-eyed mules; or so-called ‘pranks’ on youtube where uncanny valley cretins find homeless people to covertly lure a horse towards as they sleep, before conspiring to commit a bestial sex attack the likes of which the victim can only pray results in death.

Now, I am not a bigoted man. Any people who have sex with horses, even allegedly, are not criminal to me. And, as is well known, I, as is typical of all of us at tall peters, am wretchedly desperate to be culturally relevant even for a second. But I draw the line at letting my ass get fucked by a horse.

Look, if it was up to me to think about the laws and invent them for everyone else (which, it should be, and with your help it can – simply click here and provide a not-for profit donation to the Tall Peters’ Political Party (Non Political)), I would not imprison beast fornicators. Perhaps I wouldn’t be beyond exiling them to zoo or maybe a farm where they could repay their debt to society but also be free to engage in any wild sex acts that they might wish to do – but let’s not get into the details too much.

tumblr_m29u1shmoH1qbohddo1_500
Above: No thanks!!

Seeming intelligent is absolutely crucial to us at tall peters, which is why I’ve put my internet history into irrevocable disrepute by conducting extensive research into why taking it up the ass from a stallion can have a number of negative effects.

Think of the internal damage that can be done by a massive horse dick going into your insides. Organs are internal for a good reason, and it’s not just because God wanted it that way in the bible. Those things are tender as hell – you ever eaten kidney? A big hard dick fucking into that general area can only mean trouble if you ask me. Personally, I don’t want a powerful long horse dick relentlessly fucking around in there, but that’s just me.

Moreoverly, when it comes to getting fucked by horses, it’s not often that people consider the implications of the act from the perspective of the horse. It’s very easy to get carried away when getting raw horsed, as the well known saying goes, but have the beast fornicators among our readership considered if the horse really wants to ream their tender colon? These days, there are thousands of well-documented instances of horse fucking-induced death. The focus is always on the tragedy of the loss of human life. But how do these fuck-deaths affect the horses in question?

5e3ee3921d8318ab7b526c04ad1e45eb

Just imagine if you’re having fun getting your bone on, really getting up in there with your appendage, colonising that colon. Suddenly, the warmth of your chosen ass becomes a cold, unresponsive husk. You’ve just killed a person with your dick. Pretty traumatising and sad, huh? I know. The rarity of this perspective is a real shame.

enumclaw_horse
Above: Definitely not me.

Horses, despite our best efforts, have never been able to talk. The issue of consent here is a clear one. Just because that horses dick is big and hard doesn’t mean they definitely want to get it in you – everyone should try to remember this.

Ultimately, while we may be in an era of unprecedented social progression and anal promiscuity, it must be said that in more conservative circles there is still a stigma around people who take it up the ass from a stallion. Now, if a hypothetical video of me getting my butt hole totally ruined by a wildly neighing horse, could I risk my significant social standing if this hypothetical video were to emerge? The answer is no. So please, if you find any videos purporting to show images of me getting in up the wrong’un from an equine or any animal – delete it immediately or my lawyers will be in touch.

How It Feels To Be Depressed But Also Have A Dig Dick

Here at Tall Peters, as one of the most hotly discussed web blogs, we receive a powerful stream of comments, mentions, and hashtags every day; a perpetual bombardment physically and virtually manifested in the form of both email and male genitalia.

Our readers can scarcely fathom the spectrum of disturbing stuff that gets asked of the dedicated, physically strong, and mentally cool team of boys here up in Tall Peters HQ – some really freaked up nonsense! Continue reading How It Feels To Be Depressed But Also Have A Dig Dick

Seven Rustic Autumn Recipes

Now that summer is down the fucking toilet for another year, it’s time to forget about all the good times in the outside world (easy for me – there were none) and think dimly about stuff which all stems from a primal desire to hibernate in a hole like the stupid and weak mammals that we are. Nothing says hibernation like autumn (for US readers: Fall), and nothing says autumn like making a large meal to eat. Here at tall petters com, where big dogs get touched (and more), we are big advocates of healthy eating. And by big, I mean fat! Most days however, after a hard day of crying loudly about our grotesquely pathetic lives, us peterers need consume gratuitous amounts of comfort food. As seasoned manchildren, our favourite recipes are of course the ones when we were young, so here we will talk of typical childhood staples from a place of empires and umpires (Cricket).

Giblet & Nip Pie

pie

Ah, the age old problem of just what to do with your giblets. Got masses and masses of assorted old animal guts piling up in the fridge and no where to put em??? No problem, use this simple recipe to really get the most out of em. Froth your gibs in a large pot with rhubarb, salt and sage. Add a full tin of cold nips in syrup – and before you ask it doesn’t matter what brand! I personally prefer Cruddle’s but just pick any. Mash manfully until you have a gooey existential pulp. Roll your pastry pie-wise and condemn the mixture within. A good tip is to lather the pie crust in a thin layer of giblet discharge to achieve that authentic crispy pie tang.

Jellied ‘Eels

jelly

A very well known dish, jellied ‘eels is exactly what you’d expect – wheels of cheese suspended in gelatine. Simply buy a packet of jelly from your nearest jellymongers and cram whatever chunks of cheese you like in there. You can put other stuff in there too like pickled eggs, sausage fritters, beans on toast – just any kind of staple food. Think outside the box with this one blokes!

Spam & Arse Gravy

heap

Loads of bloody poncy foreigners are turned off by the name of arse gravy, but what those immigrant nonces don’t know is that the gravy in this authentic dish is actually derived from the taint area rather than the arse itself. Simply deglaze a fresh, unwashed sack and taint location with boiling beef and mushroom stock and add to a large pot of slowly churning spam – roughly 6 or 7 tins. Season to taste and serve with a traditional slice of sun-dried mayonnaise.

Hoity Toity Goiters

39052

Goiter meat was a delicacy in England (It isn’t known colloquially as “‘Gland” for no reason, you know!) as lately as the 1980s, but has recently fallen from fashion due to prevalence of media advocated vaccinations and such. Folly! Simply procure nicely goiter stricken lad – I got mine from the local gypsy caravan for the tidy price of 75 bob – bind and string him up nice and tight, allowing the goiter to swell and ripen for 3 to 9 weeks. When the goiter is a deep purple with tangible sheen this means it is will soon flower, so hack it off whole then slice thinly, layer in a roasting tin with rosemary and butternut squash before slathering gratuitously with port and lard. Roast for 1 hour and 30 minute. That’s 75 minutes metric for you Euroberks! Serve with vinegared beetroot and a massive packet of cheese and onion crisps.

Old Balls

Hungarian-Veal-Testicles-Stew-Porkolt-12

Leftover sets of balls were traditionally consumed in great quantities during wartime, when German testes were shipped in their hundreds of thousands directly from the Front. Similarly, any one too cowardly to conscribe for the great effort would too be unmanned in a government drive that infamously became known as the “Bolly-wolly Nopply Choppers”. Assess your bollock carefully for freshness, a good tip is to dunk it in boiling water, as me dear dead nan used to say incessantly: if it floats, keep the knacker; if it wallows, chuck it backer. Serve your bollocks whole in a bisque, or grate them into a stew.

Shambled Gut Lumps

DFbzWqoW0AA7_aM

Briskly flaff off the lumps with a flaffer, the received wisdom is to use a hand held one but you can use an electric one if you’re a puff. Bungle the crummy guts into a wonky old pot, jumbling in blood clotted cream diagonally as you do. Carefully separate out the spenks, wangling the lumps lengthward to maximise the cookiness. Season profusely with lemon, mint, and piss.

Nutsacks Full of Sloppy Shite Grafted On To A Dead Fucking Pig And Slathered With Dirty Chunks Of Congealed Cum

pigroast08

I’m sure this was the recipe everyone been waiting upon. Whip this out when you need a real show stopper. Firstly you will need to accumulate a great deal of spunk – allocate a large barrel in your pantry for this purpose. A good tip would be to get your mates in on the wanking to speed up this process. Add onions and whole ginger to the cum solvent to appropriately bring out the salty flavours. Be sure to practice your needle work in the mean time. Get a sack of old scrotes from the market, ensuring to haggle loudly and pejoratively with the invariably wart-eyed Norfolk cuntwife selling such wares. Pry the sacs open carefully without emptying the vital contents, the cram em up full of freshly mashed shite. Now you can sew em on your sow. Test the consistency of your cum before applying – it should smell and taste like fresh bilge from the Thames.

It’s Here Folks, A Comprehensive List Of All The Good Faces To Zoom In On

Now here at Talking Peterheads we know there’s nothing around that funnier than a funny face pic to look at on the web. Theres lot of funny faces to browse upon, more than you can even believe. Because everybody knows about faces, they have got such good meme traction, it`s always a good bet to use a face somewhere when you do a meme. Many forget that while a funny face is a good meme, a zoomed in on funny face is the same amount of funny memeness multiplied by how closely upon that you zoom in. Continue reading It’s Here Folks, A Comprehensive List Of All The Good Faces To Zoom In On

Why The Internet is Actually Shrinking

Ever wake up at night in a puddle of cold sweat or stale piss (not sure which) worried about how grotesquely big and fat the internet is getting. In less enlightened times past, us pallid weenie nerd losers at The Tallsome Peter Foundation have too. And if we were to take the government’s word for it, (fat chance!!!!!!!!!), we will swallow down the tall tale that the internet is growing exponentially and more really good web type stuff like retweets and frog memes and gargantuan anime .pngs are being rabidly uploaded to the websnet at all seconds of the day. Continue reading Why The Internet is Actually Shrinking

Lifting The Toilet Seat Up Is For Dumb Ass Holes

Every assigned male man around in real life has had a woman screech at them about the loo lid being up. Us woke folks at tall peter com know a secret trick that can save you this perpetual whinge and also shave a good few seconds off your Peesonal Best (mine is down to a tidy 1.683s[seconds]). No gimmicks here folks: just never lift the seat. Never ever lift the seat up when you pee. Stop -! Do Not Lift That Seat. Continue reading Lifting The Toilet Seat Up Is For Dumb Ass Holes

6 Festive Ways To Commit Suicide

Welp folks it’s Christmas time again and if there’s one thing that people are gonna be doing at this time of year, it’s killing themselves like crazy. Committing suicide at Christmas might be considered something of a cliché by most, but here at Tall Peters dot com we feel like people have forgotten the true meaning of killing themselves at Christmas so we’re reaching out to as many would-be suiciders as possible. It can be hard in this season of excessive self-inflicted deaths to really stand out when committing your suicide, so we’ve devised a few tips to help you immortalise yourself as that special snowflake that you know you are.

Continue reading 6 Festive Ways To Commit Suicide

Why  Frogs Are So Good At Being Memes

At least six thousand years ago, when dinosaurs ruled the earth, there was only one continent, zero memes, and only two genders. The tyranny of the ‘saurs saw a soar in the oppression of other vertebrates; fish, once proud supple muscular warriors of the land, fled to the dark ocean. Birds, gallant rapists of the forest floor had to grow wings and take their weird dicks up to the cold skies. Mammals lived in holes and fucked each other quietly up the arses. Reptiles also had slimier, more flamboyant cousins called amphibians who were rightfully shunned because of their pathetic name for a class of vertebrates that only highlights that all they were ever good for was being an evolutionary bridge between land and water. Continue reading Why  Frogs Are So Good At Being Memes