All posts by wankhaver

Nobody Is As Depressed As Me

Quantifying stuff is very important to me, just like the rest of the friendless boys down here at tall peters. I’ve spent the majority of the prime of my life hunching down into appalling shapes in order to better enable the mindless slapping of my tortured keyboard; contending in incoherent, excruciating paragraph after paragraph the most unimaginably inane superlatives out there to possibly discuss.

man looking sad

As an originator (ask my Mom) of being Depressed and also having Anxiety, it has become quite an irritant for me to hear about all these hip, trendy folks out there who also claim to be sad and anxious. I’m not saying that I doubt that these attractive, popular people aren’t Depressed and/or have Anxiety, I am merely trying to point out that I (Me) was one of the main guys complaining about it before anyone else even knew about it.

Lil-Peep-Interview

This is more than a mere instagram post to me, folks. Wanting to die (allegedly) is what keeps my loved ones begrudgingly interested in my existence. Loudly saying “I want to die” every minute of the day may seem trite to you – and it’s true that it causes all sorts of problems in my life – hell, you may even say it’s the sort of tired, useless platitude of a terminal coward. The fact is that this very cool and edgy mantra that keeps me going.

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Thinking about killing yourself is not a big deal in current year. It’s probable that even normal people have had a quick think about how good self termination would be (sincerely recommend it for all the normies out there). One day, serious consideration of such actions will be a prerequisite for survival on Earth gulag.

Ever truer than that fact is that no one has thought about killing themselves as meticulously as me. I’ve made diagrams and all sorts of stuff – it’s difficult to overstate just how prepared for my self inflicted demise I am. It will never happen of course; my carefully curated legacy is much more important.

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Listen, I’ve heard all about the legitimate’ reasons to be depressed; childhood trauma, war and rape and all that etc. The fact is that none of that stuff really matters to me – surely that gives me a right to lord my status as Master of Depression above others? There isn’t a great deal of suffering which could be put unto a person which would super cede that which I have claimed as my own. I’ve got big reasons to die – the more vaguely I explain them, the better. No one can ever be as depressed as me.

Reasons Why I Don’t Want To Be Fucked By A Horse

As everyone surely knows by now, here at thetallpeter.com, home of everything that’s tall about pete, we are at located categorically on the cutting edge of cultural concurrences in all the gayest and most retarded parts of the internet. Unlike most, we do not see the online zeitgeist as some sort of reprehensible omni-cancer that writhes and pulses abjectly as it swells and consumes; nay, us good folks at teepees exist harmoniously within the ‘geist – our relationship with the web is complex and meaningful, sort of like those parasites that live inside the mouths of fish. Continue reading Reasons Why I Don’t Want To Be Fucked By A Horse

How It Feels To Be Depressed But Also Have A Dig Dick

Here at Tall Peters, as one of the most hotly discussed web blogs, we receive a powerful stream of comments, mentions, and hashtags every day; a perpetual bombardment physically and virtually manifested in the form of both email and male genitalia.

Our readers can scarcely fathom the spectrum of disturbing stuff that gets asked of the dedicated, physically strong, and mentally cool team of boys here up in Tall Peters HQ – some really freaked up nonsense! Continue reading How It Feels To Be Depressed But Also Have A Dig Dick

Seven Rustic Autumn Recipes

Now that summer is down the fucking toilet for another year, it’s time to forget about all the good times in the outside world (easy for me – there were none) and think dimly about stuff which all stems from a primal desire to hibernate in a hole like the stupid and weak mammals that we are. Nothing says hibernation like autumn (for US readers: Fall), and nothing says autumn like making a large meal to eat. Here at tall petters com, where big dogs get touched (and more), we are big advocates of healthy eating. And by big, I mean fat! Most days however, after a hard day of crying loudly about our grotesquely pathetic lives, us peterers need consume gratuitous amounts of comfort food. As seasoned manchildren, our favourite recipes are of course the ones when we were young, so here we will talk of typical childhood staples from a place of empires and umpires (Cricket). Continue reading Seven Rustic Autumn Recipes

It’s Here Folks, A Comprehensive List Of All The Good Faces To Zoom In On

Now here at Talking Peterheads we know there’s nothing around that funnier than a funny face pic to look at on the web. Theres lot of funny faces to browse upon, more than you can even believe. Because everybody knows about faces, they have got such good meme traction, it`s always a good bet to use a face somewhere when you do a meme. Many forget that while a funny face is a good meme, a zoomed in on funny face is the same amount of funny memeness multiplied by how closely upon that you zoom in. Continue reading It’s Here Folks, A Comprehensive List Of All The Good Faces To Zoom In On

Why The Internet is Actually Shrinking

Ever wake up at night in a puddle of cold sweat or stale piss (not sure which) worried about how grotesquely big and fat the internet is getting. In less enlightened times past, us pallid weenie nerd losers at The Tallsome Peter Foundation have too. And if we were to take the government’s word for it, (fat chance!!!!!!!!!), we will swallow down the tall tale that the internet is growing exponentially and more really good web type stuff like retweets and frog memes and gargantuan anime .pngs are being rabidly uploaded to the websnet at all seconds of the day. Continue reading Why The Internet is Actually Shrinking

Lifting The Toilet Seat Up Is For Dumb Ass Holes

Every assigned male man around in real life has had a woman screech at them about the loo lid being up. Us woke folks at tall peter com know a secret trick that can save you this perpetual whinge and also shave a good few seconds off your Peesonal Best (mine is down to a tidy 1.683s[seconds]). No gimmicks here folks: just never lift the seat. Never ever lift the seat up when you pee. Stop -! Do Not Lift That Seat. Continue reading Lifting The Toilet Seat Up Is For Dumb Ass Holes

6 Festive Ways To Commit Suicide

Welp folks it’s Christmas time again and if there’s one thing that people are gonna be doing at this time of year, it’s killing themselves like crazy. Committing suicide at Christmas might be considered something of a cliché by most, but here at Tall Peters dot com we feel like people have forgotten the true meaning of killing themselves at Christmas so we’re reaching out to as many would-be suiciders as possible. It can be hard in this season of excessive self-inflicted deaths to really stand out when committing your suicide, so we’ve devised a few tips to help you immortalise yourself as that special snowflake that you know you are.

Continue reading 6 Festive Ways To Commit Suicide

Why  Frogs Are So Good At Being Memes

At least six thousand years ago, when dinosaurs ruled the earth, there was only one continent, zero memes, and only two genders. The tyranny of the ‘saurs saw a soar in the oppression of other vertebrates; fish, once proud supple muscular warriors of the land, fled to the dark ocean. Birds, gallant rapists of the forest floor had to grow wings and take their weird dicks up to the cold skies. Mammals lived in holes and fucked each other quietly up the arses. Reptiles also had slimier, more flamboyant cousins called amphibians who were rightfully shunned because of their pathetic name for a class of vertebrates that only highlights that all they were ever good for was being an evolutionary bridge between land and water. Continue reading Why  Frogs Are So Good At Being Memes