Category Archives: Advice

Reasons Why I Don’t Want To Be Fucked By A Horse

As everyone surely knows by now, here at, home of everything that’s tall about pete, we are at located categorically on the cutting edge of cultural concurrences in all the gayest and most retarded parts of the internet. Unlike most, we do not see the online zeitgeist as some sort of reprehensible omni-cancer that writhes and pulses abjectly as it swells and consumes; nay, us good folks at teepees exist harmoniously within the ‘geist – our relationship with the web is complex and meaningful, sort of like those parasites that live inside the mouths of fish.

Now, as sworn guardians of the web wastes, we can’t help but be intrigued by the current online trend of having sexual relations with horses. We’re avid content consumers here in pete town, we really guzzle down that content, and the Lord above knows at times we’ve slurped a miserable dribble or two from some of the most suspect of holes. We’ve dutifully dunked our collective head deep into the trash morass of the wild world web for well over a decade and a half and even we have scarcely been able to get to grips with all the horse porn that people are making and talking about non-stop in 2019.


Don’t believe me?  Why not try it yourself! Even basic, safe for work searches like “Horse Porn Huge Ejaculation”, “Horny Horse Boner Cum”, “Sex Stallion Beast Man Love”, “Human Anus Deposited With Gallons Of Beast Semen”, “or “Man’s Ass Hole Never The Same Again After Rutting Mustang Annihilation”, will yield startlingly voluminous results of intimate relations between steed and man.

Even gormless idiot children can easily come across content such as their favourite instagram stars get boned by a frenzied, wild-eyed mules; or so-called ‘pranks’ on youtube where uncanny valley cretins find homeless people to covertly lure a horse towards as they sleep, before conspiring to commit a bestial sex attack the likes of which the victim can only pray results in death.

Now, I am not a bigoted man. Any people who have sex with horses, even allegedly, are not criminal to me. And, as is well known, I, as is typical of all of us at tall peters, am wretchedly desperate to be culturally relevant even for a second. But I draw the line at letting my ass get fucked by a horse.

Look, if it was up to me to think about the laws and invent them for everyone else (which, it should be, and with your help it can – simply click here and provide a not-for profit donation to the Tall Peters’ Political Party (Non Political)), I would not imprison beast fornicators. Perhaps I wouldn’t be beyond exiling them to zoo or maybe a farm where they could repay their debt to society but also be free to engage in any wild sex acts that they might wish to do – but let’s not get into the details too much.

Above: No thanks!!

Seeming intelligent is absolutely crucial to us at tall peters, which is why I’ve put my internet history into irrevocable disrepute by conducting extensive research into why taking it up the ass from a stallion can have a number of negative effects.

Think of the internal damage that can be done by a massive horse dick going into your insides. Organs are internal for a good reason, and it’s not just because God wanted it that way in the bible. Those things are tender as hell – you ever eaten kidney? A big hard dick fucking into that general area can only mean trouble if you ask me. Personally, I don’t want a powerful long horse dick relentlessly fucking around in there, but that’s just me.

Moreoverly, when it comes to getting fucked by horses, it’s not often that people consider the implications of the act from the perspective of the horse. It’s very easy to get carried away when getting raw horsed, as the well known saying goes, but have the beast fornicators among our readership considered if the horse really wants to ream their tender colon? These days, there are thousands of well-documented instances of horse fucking-induced death. The focus is always on the tragedy of the loss of human life. But how do these fuck-deaths affect the horses in question?


Just imagine if you’re having fun getting your bone on, really getting up in there with your appendage, colonising that colon. Suddenly, the warmth of your chosen ass becomes a cold, unresponsive husk. You’ve just killed a person with your dick. Pretty traumatising and sad, huh? I know. The rarity of this perspective is a real shame.

Above: Definitely not me.

Horses, despite our best efforts, have never been able to talk. The issue of consent here is a clear one. Just because that horses dick is big and hard doesn’t mean they definitely want to get it in you – everyone should try to remember this.

Ultimately, while we may be in an era of unprecedented social progression and anal promiscuity, it must be said that in more conservative circles there is still a stigma around people who take it up the ass from a stallion. Now, if a hypothetical video of me getting my butt hole totally ruined by a wildly neighing horse, could I risk my significant social standing if this hypothetical video were to emerge? The answer is no. So please, if you find any videos purporting to show images of me getting in up the wrong’un from an equine or any animal – delete it immediately or my lawyers will be in touch.

Excerpt: “11 Guidelines for Living” by Jordan Peters

Editor’s note: The following is an excerpt from 11 Guidelines for Living: A Recipe for Orderliness by Professor Jordan Peters, PhD. Due to a confidential funding arrangement, Tall Peters is required to occassionally republish the work of of Prof. Peters without comment. However, we would like to stress that the views expressed herein are strictly his own, and do not represent those of the Tall Peters Publishing Company or its board of directors. Continue reading Excerpt: “11 Guidelines for Living” by Jordan Peters

A Broke Dad’s Guide to Christmas, Part Two

Oh shit! Is it December again already? Another year has flown by, and you’ve been so busy exploding into apoplectic rage on a daily basis over the president’s poorly-worded tweets and questionable dietary habits that, once again, you completely forgot to put aside any money to buy overpriced electronic junk for your filthy children. Last year, we helped you appease those ungrateful little vermin with some clever gift ideas that didn’t cost you a dime, but you promised them that this year would be different. So if you want to keep your family from completely falling apart, you’re really gonna have to get creative this time. Continue reading A Broke Dad’s Guide to Christmas, Part Two

Tall Peters’ Guide to Choosing the Right Halloween Costume in 2017

Well, it’s that time of year again. October, the spookiest of all months, is in full swing, and proud American tradition dictates that you choose a culture or ethnicity other than your own to wear as a costume while you get sloshed. But wait! These days, wearing the wrong cultural identity can land you in hot water, so you better choose carefully or you might end up with your head on the social media chopping block. Continue reading Tall Peters’ Guide to Choosing the Right Halloween Costume in 2017

It’s Here Folks, A Comprehensive List Of All The Good Faces To Zoom In On

Now here at Talking Peterheads we know there’s nothing around that funnier than a funny face pic to look at on the web. Theres lot of funny faces to browse upon, more than you can even believe. Because everybody knows about faces, they have got such good meme traction, it`s always a good bet to use a face somewhere when you do a meme. Many forget that while a funny face is a good meme, a zoomed in on funny face is the same amount of funny memeness multiplied by how closely upon that you zoom in. Continue reading It’s Here Folks, A Comprehensive List Of All The Good Faces To Zoom In On

Just Literally Quick, Cheap, and Breathtakingly Easy Recipes for the Young and Modern Professional Who Simply Cannot Even

We’ve all been there, folks. Twelve hours at the office slapping away at the keyboard doing lord only knows what so our boss can go on his third vacation of the year in June, and you’re too worn out to feed yourself when you finally get home. Cooking is hard, and food is expensive. Sometimes it feels like there’s no point in running on this treadmill we call life. Continue reading Just Literally Quick, Cheap, and Breathtakingly Easy Recipes for the Young and Modern Professional Who Simply Cannot Even

Lifting The Toilet Seat Up Is For Dumb Ass Holes

Every assigned male man around in real life has had a woman screech at them about the loo lid being up. Us woke folks at tall peter com know a secret trick that can save you this perpetual whinge and also shave a good few seconds off your Peesonal Best (mine is down to a tidy 1.683s[seconds]). No gimmicks here folks: just never lift the seat. Never ever lift the seat up when you pee. Stop -! Do Not Lift That Seat. Continue reading Lifting The Toilet Seat Up Is For Dumb Ass Holes

Every Item on Taco Bell’s Feast for $1 All Day Menu, Rated and Reviewed

Taco Bell has always been the place to go to get your quick fix on a budget, and with their $1 Cravings Menu and its breakfast counterpart, the $1 Morning Value Menu, they’re more devoted than ever to giving you the best bang for your (literal) buck, all day long. Continue reading Every Item on Taco Bell’s Feast for $1 All Day Menu, Rated and Reviewed

7 Powerful Food Hacks Guaranteed to Help You Avoid Being Hungry


Stop me if this sounds familiar: You’ve had a busy day. You spent all morning reading about dope new tech on Gizmodo, then picked up your girlfriend’s kids from school, came home and binge-watched Gilmore Girls on Netflix for a few hours (admit it, boys, you KNOW you love it), and then your squad stopped by for a rousing game of Cards Against Humanity. Continue reading 7 Powerful Food Hacks Guaranteed to Help You Avoid Being Hungry

How to Shill Your Way to Moderate Success

Listen, we all want to be a big star. Go on Instagram and what do you see? A flood of people fighting for attention with their fingers crossed hoping that someday they will be the .001% to be hand picked by God and wake up one morning in an enormous Beverly Hills mansion. Some keep trying until they end up on the streets, insane with delusion, while others give up and fall into the routine of telling themselves every morning at 4 AM to go to their job at the hip new coffee joint in the city that they are perfectly happy working for minimum wage. Maybe someday they will become a manager and achieve a small piece of that pie we all want so bad. Everyone wants to see big numbers when they check their bank balance and buy nice cars to post pictures of on Facebook. Heck, it’s the American Dream! But how in the world do you achieve something like that these days when there is so much competition in the job market and so many people are struggling to make ends meet? Continue reading How to Shill Your Way to Moderate Success