Quantifying stuff is very important to me, just like the rest of the friendless boys down here at tall peters. I’ve spent the majority of the prime of my life hunching down into appalling shapes in order to better enable the mindless slapping of my tortured keyboard; contending in incoherent, excruciating paragraph after paragraph the most unimaginably inane superlatives out there to possibly discuss.
As an originator (ask my Mom) of being Depressed and also having Anxiety, it has become quite an irritant for me to hear about all these hip, trendy folks out there who also claim to be sad and anxious. I’m not saying that I doubt that these attractive, popular people aren’t Depressed and/or have Anxiety, I am merely trying to point out that I (Me) was one of the main guys complaining about it before anyone else even knew about it.
This is more than a mere instagram post to me, folks. Wanting to die (allegedly) is what keeps my loved ones begrudgingly interested in my existence. Loudly saying “I want to die” every minute of the day may seem trite to you – and it’s true that it causes all sorts of problems in my life – hell, you may even say it’s the sort of tired, useless platitude of a terminal coward. The fact is that this very cool and edgy mantra that keeps me going.
Thinking about killing yourself is not a big deal in current year. It’s probable that even normal people have had a quick think about how good self termination would be (sincerely recommend it for all the normies out there). One day, serious consideration of such actions will be a prerequisite for survival on Earth gulag.
Ever truer than that fact is that no one has thought about killing themselves as meticulously as me. I’ve made diagrams and all sorts of stuff – it’s difficult to overstate just how prepared for my self inflicted demise I am. It will never happen of course; my carefully curated legacy is much more important.
Listen, I’ve heard all about the legitimate’ reasons to be depressed; childhood trauma, war and rape and all that etc. The fact is that none of that stuff really matters to me – surely that gives me a right to lord my status as Master of Depression above others? There isn’t a great deal of suffering which could be put unto a person which would super cede that which I have claimed as my own. I’ve got big reasons to die – the more vaguely I explain them, the better. No one can ever be as depressed as me.
Ever wake up at night in a puddle of cold sweat or stale piss (not sure which) worried about how grotesquely big and fat the internet is getting. In less enlightened times past, us pallid weenie nerd losers at The Tallsome Peter Foundation have too. And if we were to take the government’s word for it, (fat chance!!!!!!!!!), we will swallow down the tall tale that the internet is growing exponentially and more really good web type stuff like retweets and frog memes and gargantuan anime .pngs are being rabidly uploaded to the websnet at all seconds of the day. Continue reading Why The Internet is Actually Shrinking
Have you seen this thing? This hideous turd stuck in Jell-O that everyone keeps blabbing on about? Well, if you haven’t, a chunk of rock was found with… wait for it: a “dinosaur tail” inside of it. Yeah, people STILL believe in dinosaurs even after they’ve been debunked time and time again by people who know far more about the world than any scientist I’ve ever met. Seriously. Why do people keep humoring these archaeologist frauds? Can’t they see that these scientists are pawns of the liberal media being paid to poison our minds with outlandish beliefs and take our attention off of the things in life that are truly important? We should be focusing on ways to make our planet into something we can finally be proud of instead of doting on this false past that is nothing more than a fantasy. Continue reading That Hideous “Dinosaur Tail” Is Nothing but More FAKE NEWS and LIBERAL PROPAGANDA
In recent months, tensions surrounding the hotly contested 2016 presidential election have given rise to an exciting and dynamic new political movement called the “alt-right.” Though it originated on 4chan, a website mainly associated with anime-obsessed pedophiles, it has now spread all the way to Reddit, which is, by contrast, a bastion of civilized, intelligent discussion. Most shockingly, these alt-righters have now even been spotted gathering together in real life on occasion, sharing bold new ideas about the global Jewish conspiracy and the degeneracy of feminism. Since the alt-right movement is made up entirely of white males, one of their biggest bones of contention is an anti-white agenda that they perceive in the modern media, citing the liberal, Jew-run entertainment industry’s tendency to commit such appalling acts as casting nonwhite actors in a Star Wars movie, or hiring a woman to write a TV show. Continue reading 10 Scientifically-Proven, Undeniable Facts That Explain Why White Men Are Inferior To All Other Humans
The ongoing comedy feud between alt-right spokesman Sam Hyde and left-wing media mogul Tim Heidecker came to a head yesterday morning when Hyde called in to Mr. Heidecker’s Facebook Live show to accuse the Tim and Eric’s Awesome Show star of pulling strings to get his own Adult Swim show, World Peace, off the air, motivated by political disagreements that have caused them to repeatedly clash over the past several weeks. The exchange was heated, and very personal, with both men becoming infuriated and raising their voices at one another. Is it possible that the animosity between the two performers could have been motivated by something other than politics? Is there an unspoken connection between these two towering giants of the alternative comedy scene? Some startling new evidence uncovered by the Tall Peters investigative team suggests that this just might be the case. Continue reading BREAKING: NEW DOCUMENTS REVEAL THAT SAM HYDE IS TIM HEIDECKER’S ILLEGITIMATE CHILD