It’s been nearly three years since we shared the first excerpt from Kelsey Grammer’s rejected pilot script for a dark and gritty Frasier reboot. And now, at long last, we are able to present to you the final 10 pages of this twisted saga, obtained exclusively from a source close to Mr. Grammer. Please ignore the fact that in previous installments we referred to Frasier Crane as a feature-length screenplay. We were mistaken; it actually is and always has been a one-hour TV pilot. Continue reading Frasier Crane: Conclusion
Quantifying stuff is very important to me, just like the rest of the friendless boys down here at tall peters. I’ve spent the majority of the prime of my life hunching down into appalling shapes in order to better enable the mindless slapping of my tortured keyboard; contending in incoherent, excruciating paragraph after paragraph the most unimaginably inane superlatives out there to possibly discuss.
As an originator (ask my Mom) of being Depressed and also having Anxiety, it has become quite an irritant for me to hear about all these hip, trendy folks out there who also claim to be sad and anxious. I’m not saying that I doubt that these attractive, popular people aren’t Depressed and/or have Anxiety, I am merely trying to point out that I (Me) was one of the main guys complaining about it before anyone else even knew about it.
This is more than a mere instagram post to me, folks. Wanting to die (allegedly) is what keeps my loved ones begrudgingly interested in my existence. Loudly saying “I want to die” every minute of the day may seem trite to you – and it’s true that it causes all sorts of problems in my life – hell, you may even say it’s the sort of tired, useless platitude of a terminal coward. The fact is that this very cool and edgy mantra that keeps me going.
Thinking about killing yourself is not a big deal in current year. It’s probable that even normal people have had a quick think about how good self termination would be (sincerely recommend it for all the normies out there). One day, serious consideration of such actions will be a prerequisite for survival on Earth gulag.
Ever truer than that fact is that no one has thought about killing themselves as meticulously as me. I’ve made diagrams and all sorts of stuff – it’s difficult to overstate just how prepared for my self inflicted demise I am. It will never happen of course; my carefully curated legacy is much more important.
Listen, I’ve heard all about the legitimate’ reasons to be depressed; childhood trauma, war and rape and all that etc. The fact is that none of that stuff really matters to me – surely that gives me a right to lord my status as Master of Depression above others? There isn’t a great deal of suffering which could be put unto a person which would super cede that which I have claimed as my own. I’ve got big reasons to die – the more vaguely I explain them, the better. No one can ever be as depressed as me.
Have you ever wondered what it might be like if the beloved members of the Tall Peters Comedy Collective (TPCC) played all the characters in the 2018 smash hit film Aquaman? Well, wonder no more, because I’ve used my expert photo-editing skills to envision this very scenario! Can you believe that shit? The very thing that you were definitely wondering about is already a reality, because I thought ahead and made it fucking happen. And I think it would go a little something like this… Continue reading What If The Peters Boys Were Characters From The Aquaman Film?!
Gentlemen, we’ve finally done it. The year is 1959, and we’ve achieved the impossible: we’ve traveled back in time and saved the course of human history from the scourge that would be known as… THE BEATLES. And though the world will never know our sacrifice, we can rest assured that the deaths of these four young men, now mere footnotes in the story of the 20th century, will bring about generations of boundless peace and prosperity. And to think, it all began 60 years from now, when I saw a post on Twitter.com… Continue reading That Stupid Ass Beatles Movie “Yesterday” (Which I Have Not Seen) Opened My Eyes, And Now I Know What Must Be Done
As everyone surely knows by now, here at thetallpeter.com, home of everything that’s tall about pete, we are at located categorically on the cutting edge of cultural concurrences in all the gayest and most retarded parts of the internet. Unlike most, we do not see the online zeitgeist as some sort of reprehensible omni-cancer that writhes and pulses abjectly as it swells and consumes; nay, us good folks at teepees exist harmoniously within the ‘geist – our relationship with the web is complex and meaningful, sort of like those parasites that live inside the mouths of fish. Continue reading Reasons Why I Don’t Want To Be Fucked By A Horse
Now that summer is down the fucking toilet for another year, it’s time to forget about all the good times in the outside world (easy for me – there were none) and think dimly about stuff which all stems from a primal desire to hibernate in a hole like the stupid and weak mammals that we are. Nothing says hibernation like autumn (for US readers: Fall), and nothing says autumn like making a large meal to eat. Here at tall petters com, where big dogs get touched (and more), we are big advocates of healthy eating. And by big, I mean fat! Most days however, after a hard day of crying loudly about our grotesquely pathetic lives, us peterers need consume gratuitous amounts of comfort food. As seasoned manchildren, our favourite recipes are of course the ones when we were young, so here we will talk of typical childhood staples from a place of empires and umpires (Cricket). Continue reading Seven Rustic Autumn Recipes
Editor’s note: The following is an excerpt from 11 Guidelines for Living: A Recipe for Orderliness by Professor Jordan Peters, PhD. Due to a confidential funding arrangement, Tall Peters is required to occassionally republish the work of of Prof. Peters without comment. However, we would like to stress that the views expressed herein are strictly his own, and do not represent those of the Tall Peters Publishing Company or its board of directors. Continue reading Excerpt: “11 Guidelines for Living” by Jordan Peters
Yes… YES!! I can’t believe it. The space film I love is finally out. Can you even believe it, folks? The wookers and the light swords will really be swingin’ this holiday season. I love it. Every year I get to hoot and scream at the good lights on screen as I am stimulated once again by the familiar sound effects and storylines that keep being milked to death year after year by greedy corporate executives. It fills me with joy I can’t get elsewhere else to know that there is a company out there churning out this good shit just for me and other grown children like me who gobble up turds by the truckload as long as they have those good logos I recognize. Just take a look at my numerous Funko POP!!! figures that litter my miserable home. Continue reading Desperate Star Wars Clickbait
Well, it’s that time of year again. October, the spookiest of all months, is in full swing, and proud American tradition dictates that you choose a culture or ethnicity other than your own to wear as a costume while you get sloshed. But wait! These days, wearing the wrong cultural identity can land you in hot water, so you better choose carefully or you might end up with your head on the social media chopping block. Continue reading Tall Peters’ Guide to Choosing the Right Halloween Costume in 2017
Now here at Talking Peterheads we know there’s nothing around that funnier than a funny face pic to look at on the web. Theres lot of funny faces to browse upon, more than you can even believe. Because everybody knows about faces, they have got such good meme traction, it`s always a good bet to use a face somewhere when you do a meme. Many forget that while a funny face is a good meme, a zoomed in on funny face is the same amount of funny memeness multiplied by how closely upon that you zoom in. Continue reading It’s Here Folks, A Comprehensive List Of All The Good Faces To Zoom In On