Category Archives: Romance

OFFICIAL Persona 5 Review

Folks, it has finally happened for me. That’s right, after 34 long years, I finally have a girlfriend. I never thought it would happen for me, but thanks to my good friends at Atlus and their newest video game Persona 5, I finally have a beautiful woman to share my life with. Don’t believe me?? Take a look at THIS.

trophy

That’s right. Undeniable proof that I am in a relationship with a SOMEONE (a girl). What do you say to that? All of you haters out there who said that I would be alone forever can take a freakin’ hike already. We are kissing as I type this, and there’s nothing you jealous assholes can do to tear us apart. Her name is Futaba Sakura, and she is a perfect angel. Everything about her makes me smile, and we have so much in common. She smells terrible because she doesn’t bathe and never leaves her room for weeks at a time… just like me! She is also socially awkward and cannot have a normal conversation with another human being without saying meme words. I, too, turn casual conversations into excruciating nightmares by saying words I heard online and mentioning cartoon frogs whenever possible. It is hard to deny that we are perfect for each other. She is also extremely short. I am only 5’4” and very self-conscious about my height, but with Futaba, I am no longer afraid. She makes me feel like a big, strong, handsome man, and I treasure every blissful moment I have the privilege of spending with her. However, I must admit that things were a little rocky at the start of our relationship. My mother was not happy to hear that I was dating a fifteen year old girl from a video game, but eventually she realized how true our love for each other was and stopped crying alone in her room for hours after work.

futabaHer name is Futaba Sakura, and she is a perfect angel. Everything about her makes me smile

Many of you may be wondering how I feel about Persona 5 as a video game. To that, all I have to say is this: Who cares? I have come to the realization after my hundreds of hours with Futaba that there is so much more to life than video games, and I am ashamed of myself for not realizing it sooner. Every second spent on video games is precious time wasted that could have been spent with my lovely Futaba. Besides, the game is super easy and boring anyway. I don’t really see why anyone would actually want to play it. Change the difficulty to Safety, and you can get through the entire thing with auto-battle. A real snooze-fest if you ask me, but that isn’t what Persona games are about, so who cares? Dungeons are just a minor annoyance, but there aren’t that many of them anyway. I just wish it didn’t take so long to meet Futaba in the game, but I guess that can’t be helped. “Good things come to those who wait,” as they say.

battel.PNGChange the difficulty to Safety, and you can get through the entire thing with auto-battle. A real snooze-fest if you ask me, but that isn’t what Persona games are about, so who cares?

What really makes this game stand out is the variety when it comes to picking out your girlfriend. Even though Futaba is perfect in every way, and I would never interact with any of the other girls, I’m sure there are people out there with poor taste who would much rather spend time with a different girl, and Persona 5 gives you that option. There’s a supermodel, a doctor, a teacher, a cat, an alcoholic, and tons more! Unless you are a total freak with very specific preferences, there is someone in Persona 5 for everyone. There’s literally just no reason for anyone to be lonely anymore in 2017, and it’s all thanks to the geniuses at Atlus. I don’t know if they understand what a wonderful thing they have done for me, but I am grateful. Oh, by the way, unlike real life you can save your game before you go out on a date with your girlfriend and reload whenever you want so you can experience these wonderful moments again and again. I’ve taken Futaba out on the same date at least thirty times now. It never gets old, and she never gets tired of me. Her beautiful smile always helps me through the stagnant hell that my life has become. She won’t give up on me like everyone else has. We are perfect for each other. Persona 5 is a 10/10.

Images by my good friends at Atlus

Every Item on Taco Bell’s Feast for $1 All Day Menu, Rated and Reviewed

Taco Bell has always been the place to go to get your quick fix on a budget, and with their $1 Cravings Menu and its breakfast counterpart, the $1 Morning Value Menu, they’re more devoted than ever to giving you the best bang for your (literal) buck, all day long. Continue reading Every Item on Taco Bell’s Feast for $1 All Day Menu, Rated and Reviewed

Top 10 Times I Was Inspired by Kylie Jenner

If you are one of the two people that read this blog, you already know that I think Kylie Jenner is the most inspirational human being on the planet Earth. Everything she does is breathtaking. Remarkable. Sensational. Magnificent!! I can’t help but wonder how one person is capable of being so perfect in every single way. She is an inspiration to me and millions of other Kylieheads. A brave woman who is not afraid to show the world who she really is, and it fills me with overwhelming joy and gratitude to know that there is a woman out there in the spotlight showing all of the young women in the world that they have more to offer the world than just their bodies. Anyone with half a brain can see that there’s far more to Kylie than her lip injections and expensive, surgically enhanced ass. Much more! I hope you all will join me on this trip down memory lane for all of the times Kylie Jenner made her most inspirational posts online and showed the world that she is far above all of the shallow, vapid Hollywood drones.

Continue reading Top 10 Times I Was Inspired by Kylie Jenner

Tall Peters’ Guide to Getting Laid in 2016

A common question we get from our readers is, “Hey, Tall Peters, how the heck is a guy supposed to meet women in this strange new era we’re living in? For a regular joe like me, trying to keep up with all these confusing new trends like ‘dating apps’ and ‘social justice’ can be a real headache! How do I know what emojis I’m supposed to use? Will the ladies laugh at me if I’m not up to date on all the latest memes? Just what exactly is ‘tumblr’ and how on earth do I use it?” Well, you’re in luck, faithful male readers, because we’re here to educate you on Tall Peters’ official tried-and-true modern seduction technique, guaranteed to get you into the high-waisted jeans of today’s discerning women. Take a gander at these surefire, can’t-miss tips: Continue reading Tall Peters’ Guide to Getting Laid in 2016