Category Archives: Science

Desperate Star Wars Clickbait

Yes… YES!! I can’t believe it. The space film I love is finally out. Can you even believe it, folks? The wookers and the light swords will really be swingin’ this holiday season. I love it. Every year I get to hoot and scream at the good lights on screen as I am stimulated once again by the familiar sound effects and storylines that keep being milked to death year after year by greedy corporate executives. It fills me with joy I can’t get elsewhere else to know that there is a company out there churning out this good shit just for me and other grown children like me who gobble up turds by the truckload as long as they have those good logos I recognize. Just take a look at my numerous Funko POP!!! figures that litter my miserable home. Yes, they’re hideous, cheap, plastic garbage designed to milk money out of people with no aesthetic taste, but I can’t stop wasting my meager paychecks on them. I gotta have all my favorite characters covering every square inch of my home. And LEGOS too… wow. I can’t get enough of those baby toys. Nothing gets my blood flowing more than releasing a primal squeal as I run over to the toy aisle to buy the latest LEGO playset. Sometimes I knock over children with my enormous jostling gut as I race to be the first one to get my hands on one, but I don’t care. These foolish children weren’t even alive when Star Wars first came out. They don’t understand it the way I do. They don’t deserve to spend hours piecing those neat little blocks together until it resembles a sharp, blocky version of my favorite fictional space craft. They should be playing with toys for babies instead and not be allowed anywhere near works of art like my LEGO playset.

hongsolo“Yes, they’re hideous, cheap, plastic garbage designed to milk money out of people with no aesthetic taste, but I can’t stop wasting my meager paychecks on them. ” Image by Ron Bailey

This stuff is for men who have been molded by the fear and anxiety of wondering for years at a time when the next Star Wars film will come out and whether it will be as good as my favorite (Episode III). Luckily for me, every Star Wars film has been an absolute masterpiece. Each one is better than the last. I don’t think I could possibly put into words what makes them so incredible, but boy do they speak to me. I haven’t wasted my time reading any books or whatever like some nerds, but I can say with full confidence that each and every Star Wars story is a finely crafted work art that rivals the great classics like the Great Gatby. That book is absolute trash compared to the tale of Anakin Skywalker. I can tell just from looking at the cover that it doesn’t delve deep into the mind of a powerful jedi who must learn to use his force…. Thinking about it is taking my breath away and making me sweat. We have all had to deal with these struggles at one point or another. Sand is coarse.

trashA rare peek at my collection of Star Wars memorabilia. Image by Kristina D.C. Hoeppner

Some of you may not know this about me, but I train as a jedi master. I am getting closer by the day to using the force in a powerful and useful way. Just the other day I was able to move a leaf I saw outside of the window of the bus I was riding in to my job. It was an exhilarating feeling to see power flowing from me out into the universe and to be able to look around knowing how much better I was than everyone else. I have even been making progress with a girl. My mind control is working flawlessly, and sometimes I am able to get her to make eye contact with me. All it takes is hard work and dedication to hone these mystical powers. That is what Star Wars has taught me. I lie awake at night and wonder what kind of man I would be if I Star Wars had not come into my life. I cry as I think of how bare my room would be without the plastic figures of my favorite characters watching over me. I hug my Chewbacca body pillow tight and soak it with tears as I thank him for being there for me during all my times of need. Star Wars has never let me down. It’s more than a movie. It is a llife style…


Images by William TungTama Leaver, and BrokenSphere

Simply Astounding Facts About DOGS

WARNING: The following post is for DOG LOVERS ONLY. If you’re one of those Cat People and you’ve come here to spread your vicious dog hate, you better stop reading this right now, because you are NOT wanted here. As for my fellow Dog Persons, please enjoy these unbelievable-but-true facts about our favorite four-legged friends. Continue reading Simply Astounding Facts About DOGS

I Ain’t Afraid of No Stupid Ass Robot

These days, it seems like everybody’s always fretting about the so-called “robot takeover.” Everywhere I go, I hear folks whining about how the machines are going to rise up and enslave humanity. But do these metal hunks-of-junk actually pose a real threat to humankind? Not on my watch. Continue reading I Ain’t Afraid of No Stupid Ass Robot

10 Reasons ARMS for the Nintendo Switch Will Win 2017 Game Of the Year

Nintendo, the greatest video game company of all time (possibly: I have to give a big shout out to the cats at Microsoft and Sony for their respectable consoles The X box #1 and the Playstation 4), recently announced its latest foray into the e-sports realm. Nintendo already has its roots firmly planted in this insane billion dollar autism colosseum industry, but with the latest announcement of its smash hit, Game of the Year, ARMS, it looks like we’ve found an early contender for Game of the Year. I believe it will win the big award at the Award shows. Get past the jump to see why! Well, go on!

Continue reading 10 Reasons ARMS for the Nintendo Switch Will Win 2017 Game Of the Year

Does Clickbait Make You Smarter?

It has truly been busy for all of us here at the Tall Peters Labs this holiday season. While everyone else sipped egg nog and lit holiday candles with their loving families, we’ve had a crack team working around the clock to get to the bottom of this mystery about what effects online clickbait articles have on your brain. It took a lot of hard work and determination, but at long last we finally have undeniable results! Continue reading Does Clickbait Make You Smarter?

Frasier Crane 4

UPDATE: Even MORE leaked pages from Kelsey Grammer’s lost script “Frasier Crane” have emerged, and we here at Tall Peters blah blah etc. Anyone who’s actually bothered to read these probably knows by now that this is fake. I made it all up! It’s me, Trevor Drinkwater. I’m the one writing these dumb Frasier things. Here’s another one.

part 1 | part 2 | part 3

Continue reading Frasier Crane 4

That Hideous “Dinosaur Tail” Is Nothing but More FAKE NEWS and LIBERAL PROPAGANDA

Have you seen this thing? This hideous turd stuck in Jell-O that everyone keeps blabbing on about? Well, if you haven’t, a chunk of rock was found with… wait for it: a “dinosaur tail” inside of it. Yeah, people STILL believe in dinosaurs even after they’ve been debunked time and time again by people who know far more about the world than any scientist I’ve ever met. Seriously. Why do people keep humoring these archaeologist frauds? Can’t they see that these scientists are pawns of the liberal media being paid to poison our minds with outlandish beliefs and take our attention off of the things in life that are truly important? We should be focusing on ways to make our planet into something we can finally be proud of instead of doting on this false past that is nothing more than a fantasy. Continue reading That Hideous “Dinosaur Tail” Is Nothing but More FAKE NEWS and LIBERAL PROPAGANDA