Clown Epidemic Grows More Severe as Clowns Attempt to Participate in Society

“It nearly scared me half to death,” says Marsha Wolfman of Plano, TX, describing a harrowing experience at the bank last Thursday. “I was waiting in line to deposit my check, when suddenly this terrifying clown walked in. And before I knew what was happening, it walked right up to one of the sales agents and started applying for a loan!” Wolfman, a working single mother of three, described the clown as a six-foot-tall male wearing creepy clown makeup and a silly hat. “I’m just glad my kids weren’t with me. They would have had nightmares for weeks!” The Plano police have yet to offer an official statement at this time, but they have assured concerned locals that they are taking the matter very seriously. Continue reading Clown Epidemic Grows More Severe as Clowns Attempt to Participate in Society

Tall Peters’ Guide to Getting Laid in 2016

A common question we get from our readers is, “Hey, Tall Peters, how the heck is a guy supposed to meet women in this strange new era we’re living in? For a regular joe like me, trying to keep up with all these confusing new trends like ‘dating apps’ and ‘social justice’ can be a real headache! How do I know what emojis I’m supposed to use? Will the ladies laugh at me if I’m not up to date on all the latest memes? Just what exactly is ‘tumblr’ and how on earth do I use it?” Well, you’re in luck, faithful male readers, because we’re here to educate you on Tall Peters’ official tried-and-true modern seduction technique, guaranteed to get you into the high-waisted jeans of today’s discerning women. Take a gander at these surefire, can’t-miss tips: Continue reading Tall Peters’ Guide to Getting Laid in 2016

Donald Trump to Guest Star on The Simpsons? [MAJOR SPOILERS]

Listen, we’ve all heard the rumors. The Internet has been buzzing with speculation about who Marge’s new boy-toy is going to be on Fox’s long-running animated series The Simpsons ever since it was hinted at that a new man might be taking Homer’s place. “Who’s it gonna be?” It’s nearly impossible to find a single comment section online that isn’t flooded with speculation. Everyone wants to know, and who can blame us? The Simpsons is a classic with characters we have grown to love over the twenty-eight seasons it has been chugging along. We laughed when Maude died. We cried when Bart had to get rid of Stampy. They’re our best friends. It’s only human to want to know what’s going on in their lives!
Continue reading Donald Trump to Guest Star on The Simpsons? [MAJOR SPOILERS]