We’ve all been there. After another year of pissing away all your money on useless gadgets, nights out with your buddies, and get-rich-quick schemes, you realize that Christmas is around the corner again and you’re flat broke. Your bank account’s in the red, your credit cards are all maxed out, and you just know your boss is gonna stiff you on the holiday bonus because he’s still mad about the time you accidentally set fire to the men’s room. So what’s a dad to do? If you don’t bring home any presents, your family will hate you forever. Your kids will spit in your face, and your wife will never look at you again. But don’t you worry, because Tall Peters is at your service with some creative gift suggestions that won’t cost you a penny. Continue reading A Broke Dad’s Guide to Christmas
UPDATE: Even MORE leaked pages from Kelsey Grammer’s lost script “Frasier Crane” have emerged, and we here at Tall Peters blah blah etc. Anyone who’s actually bothered to read these probably knows by now that this is fake. I made it all up! It’s me, Trevor Drinkwater. I’m the one writing these dumb Frasier things. Here’s another one.
If you are one of the two people that read this blog, you already know that I think Kylie Jenner is the most inspirational human being on the planet Earth. Everything she does is breathtaking. Remarkable. Sensational. Magnificent!! I can’t help but wonder how one person is capable of being so perfect in every single way. She is an inspiration to me and millions of other Kylieheads. A brave woman who is not afraid to show the world who she really is, and it fills me with overwhelming joy and gratitude to know that there is a woman out there in the spotlight showing all of the young women in the world that they have more to offer the world than just their bodies. Anyone with half a brain can see that there’s far more to Kylie than her lip injections and expensive, surgically enhanced ass. Much more! I hope you all will join me on this trip down memory lane for all of the times Kylie Jenner made her most inspirational posts online and showed the world that she is far above all of the shallow, vapid Hollywood drones.
Have you seen this thing? This hideous turd stuck in Jell-O that everyone keeps blabbing on about? Well, if you haven’t, a chunk of rock was found with… wait for it: a “dinosaur tail” inside of it. Yeah, people STILL believe in dinosaurs even after they’ve been debunked time and time again by people who know far more about the world than any scientist I’ve ever met. Seriously. Why do people keep humoring these archaeologist frauds? Can’t they see that these scientists are pawns of the liberal media being paid to poison our minds with outlandish beliefs and take our attention off of the things in life that are truly important? We should be focusing on ways to make our planet into something we can finally be proud of instead of doting on this false past that is nothing more than a fantasy. Continue reading That Hideous “Dinosaur Tail” Is Nothing but More FAKE NEWS and LIBERAL PROPAGANDA
In recent months, tensions surrounding the hotly contested 2016 presidential election have given rise to an exciting and dynamic new political movement called the “alt-right.” Though it originated on 4chan, a website mainly associated with anime-obsessed pedophiles, it has now spread all the way to Reddit, which is, by contrast, a bastion of civilized, intelligent discussion. Most shockingly, these alt-righters have now even been spotted gathering together in real life on occasion, sharing bold new ideas about the global Jewish conspiracy and the degeneracy of feminism. Since the alt-right movement is made up entirely of white males, one of their biggest bones of contention is an anti-white agenda that they perceive in the modern media, citing the liberal, Jew-run entertainment industry’s tendency to commit such appalling acts as casting nonwhite actors in a Star Wars movie, or hiring a woman to write a TV show. Continue reading 10 Scientifically-Proven, Undeniable Facts That Explain Why White Men Are Inferior To All Other Humans
At least six thousand years ago, when dinosaurs ruled the earth, there was only one continent, zero memes, and only two genders. The tyranny of the ‘saurs saw a soar in the oppression of other vertebrates; fish, once proud supple muscular warriors of the land, fled to the dark ocean. Birds, gallant rapists of the forest floor had to grow wings and take their weird dicks up to the cold skies. Mammals lived in holes and fucked each other quietly up the arses. Reptiles also had slimier, more flamboyant cousins called amphibians who were rightfully shunned because of their pathetic name for a class of vertebrates that only highlights that all they were ever good for was being an evolutionary bridge between land and water. Continue reading Why Frogs Are So Good At Being Memes
The ongoing comedy feud between alt-right spokesman Sam Hyde and left-wing media mogul Tim Heidecker came to a head yesterday morning when Hyde called in to Mr. Heidecker’s Facebook Live show to accuse the Tim and Eric’s Awesome Show star of pulling strings to get his own Adult Swim show, World Peace, off the air, motivated by political disagreements that have caused them to repeatedly clash over the past several weeks. The exchange was heated, and very personal, with both men becoming infuriated and raising their voices at one another. Is it possible that the animosity between the two performers could have been motivated by something other than politics? Is there an unspoken connection between these two towering giants of the alternative comedy scene? Some startling new evidence uncovered by the Tall Peters investigative team suggests that this just might be the case. Continue reading BREAKING: NEW DOCUMENTS REVEAL THAT SAM HYDE IS TIM HEIDECKER’S ILLEGITIMATE CHILD
Well, Peter Heads, Thanksgiving is finally over. I don’t know about you all, but I had to write a letter to Old Saint Nick asking for a brand new belt to restrain my overwhelming girth. Heh, I’m just kidding, gang. I don’t need a belt because I never change out of my piss-stained sweatpants. Anyway, it’s that time again when we are all faced with the same question that haunts us year after year: What the heck am I gonna do with all this leftover turkey? Continue reading What to Do with All This Leftover Turkey??
There’s a lot of deeply upsetting stuff going on in the news these days, but here at Tall Peters, we’re committed to reporting the news that matters most to us. And the big news here at Tall Peters HQ is that our anonymous source just shared with us yet another tantalizing glimpse at Kelsey Grammer’s failed screenplay, Frasier Crane. But the bad news is, in this latest update, things really take a turn for the worse for our old pal Frasier.