Quantifying stuff is very important to me, just like the rest of the friendless boys down here at tall peters. I’ve spent the majority of the prime of my life hunching down into appalling shapes in order to better enable the mindless slapping of my tortured keyboard; contending in incoherent, excruciating paragraph after paragraph the most unimaginably inane superlatives out there to possibly discuss.
As an originator (ask my Mom) of being Depressed and also having Anxiety, it has become quite an irritant for me to hear about all these hip, trendy folks out there who also claim to be sad and anxious. I’m not saying that I doubt that these attractive, popular people aren’t Depressed and/or have Anxiety, I am merely trying to point out that I (Me) was one of the main guys complaining about it before anyone else even knew about it.
This is more than a mere instagram post to me, folks. Wanting to die (allegedly) is what keeps my loved ones begrudgingly interested in my existence. Loudly saying “I want to die” every minute of the day may seem trite to you – and it’s true that it causes all sorts of problems in my life – hell, you may even say it’s the sort of tired, useless platitude of a terminal coward. The fact is that this very cool and edgy mantra that keeps me going.
Thinking about killing yourself is not a big deal in current year. It’s probable that even normal people have had a quick think about how good self termination would be (sincerely recommend it for all the normies out there). One day, serious consideration of such actions will be a prerequisite for survival on Earth gulag.
Ever truer than that fact is that no one has thought about killing themselves as meticulously as me. I’ve made diagrams and all sorts of stuff – it’s difficult to overstate just how prepared for my self inflicted demise I am. It will never happen of course; my carefully curated legacy is much more important.
Listen, I’ve heard all about the legitimate’ reasons to be depressed; childhood trauma, war and rape and all that etc. The fact is that none of that stuff really matters to me – surely that gives me a right to lord my status as Master of Depression above others? There isn’t a great deal of suffering which could be put unto a person which would super cede that which I have claimed as my own. I’ve got big reasons to die – the more vaguely I explain them, the better. No one can ever be as depressed as me.
Here at Tall Peters, as one of the most hotly discussed web blogs, we receive a powerful stream of comments, mentions, and hashtags every day; a perpetual bombardment physically and virtually manifested in the form of both email and male genitalia.
Our readers can scarcely fathom the spectrum of disturbing stuff that gets asked of the dedicated, physically strong, and mentally cool team of boys here up in Tall Peters HQ – some really freaked up nonsense! Continue reading How It Feels To Be Depressed But Also Have A Dig Dick
Today, and for the rest of this week, and perhaps even most of next week, we mourn one of the finest public servants who ever lived. No other figure in modern politics has enjoyed such broad support, garnering effusive praise from everyone from moderate Democrats to right-leaning Democrats. And we here at Tall Peters are no exception. Continue reading John McCain: A Life in Pictures
Here at Peters Magazine, we believe that the children are the future, and we pride ourselves on recognizing the outstanding achievements of young entrepreneurs of all ages. With our annual, award-winning “Ten Under Ten” feature, we celebrate the most successful leaders in the worlds of business, politics, and entertainment under the age of ten. Continue reading Peters’ Ten Under Ten 2017
Ugh, I don’t know about you all, but I am SO done with 2016. Let me be clear: it is without a doubt the worst year to have ever come about in the history of humanity. My Vietnam War veteran grandfather keeps telling me that things could be a lot worse, and he always starts going on with his boring stories that he’s already tried to tell me a hundred times before. Sometimes he even cries. Ugh, so lame. He doesn’t understand anything. He doesn’t even have a Reddit account! If he doesn’t even know who George Michael or Carrie Fisher are, why does his opinion matter at all? I mean it. Everything has been so bad this year that lately I’ve routinely been having mental breakdowns in the middle of whatever I’m doing and crying like an inconsolable child for hours on end. No one in the history of the world has ever had it as bad as me. Continue reading Ten Things I’d Enjoy More Than 2016
Welp folks it’s Christmas time again and if there’s one thing that people are gonna be doing at this time of year, it’s killing themselves like crazy. Committing suicide at Christmas might be considered something of a cliché by most, but here at Tall Peters dot com we feel like people have forgotten the true meaning of killing themselves at Christmas so we’re reaching out to as many would-be suiciders as possible. It can be hard in this season of excessive self-inflicted deaths to really stand out when committing your suicide, so we’ve devised a few tips to help you immortalise yourself as that special snowflake that you know you are.
Continue reading 6 Festive Ways To Commit Suicide