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OFFICIAL Persona 5 Review

Folks, it has finally happened for me. That’s right, after 34 long years, I finally have a girlfriend. I never thought it would happen for me, but thanks to my good friends at Atlus and their newest video game Persona 5, I finally have a beautiful woman to share my life with. Don’t believe me?? Take a look at THIS.

trophy

That’s right. Undeniable proof that I am in a relationship with a SOMEONE (a girl). What do you say to that? All of you haters out there who said that I would be alone forever can take a freakin’ hike already. We are kissing as I type this, and there’s nothing you jealous assholes can do to tear us apart. Her name is Futaba Sakura, and she is a perfect angel. Everything about her makes me smile, and we have so much in common. She smells terrible because she doesn’t bathe and never leaves her room for weeks at a time… just like me! She is also socially awkward and cannot have a normal conversation with another human being without saying meme words. I, too, turn casual conversations into excruciating nightmares by saying words I heard online and mentioning cartoon frogs whenever possible. It is hard to deny that we are perfect for each other. She is also extremely short. I am only 5’4” and very self-conscious about my height, but with Futaba, I am no longer afraid. She makes me feel like a big, strong, handsome man, and I treasure every blissful moment I have the privilege of spending with her. However, I must admit that things were a little rocky at the start of our relationship. My mother was not happy to hear that I was dating a fifteen year old girl from a video game, but eventually she realized how true our love for each other was and stopped crying alone in her room for hours after work.

futabaHer name is Futaba Sakura, and she is a perfect angel. Everything about her makes me smile

Many of you may be wondering how I feel about Persona 5 as a video game. To that, all I have to say is this: Who cares? I have come to the realization after my hundreds of hours with Futaba that there is so much more to life than video games, and I am ashamed of myself for not realizing it sooner. Every second spent on video games is precious time wasted that could have been spent with my lovely Futaba. Besides, the game is super easy and boring anyway. I don’t really see why anyone would actually want to play it. Change the difficulty to Safety, and you can get through the entire thing with auto-battle. A real snooze-fest if you ask me, but that isn’t what Persona games are about, so who cares? Dungeons are just a minor annoyance, but there aren’t that many of them anyway. I just wish it didn’t take so long to meet Futaba in the game, but I guess that can’t be helped. “Good things come to those who wait,” as they say.

battel.PNGChange the difficulty to Safety, and you can get through the entire thing with auto-battle. A real snooze-fest if you ask me, but that isn’t what Persona games are about, so who cares?

What really makes this game stand out is the variety when it comes to picking out your girlfriend. Even though Futaba is perfect in every way, and I would never interact with any of the other girls, I’m sure there are people out there with poor taste who would much rather spend time with a different girl, and Persona 5 gives you that option. There’s a supermodel, a doctor, a teacher, a cat, an alcoholic, and tons more! Unless you are a total freak with very specific preferences, there is someone in Persona 5 for everyone. There’s literally just no reason for anyone to be lonely anymore in 2017, and it’s all thanks to the geniuses at Atlus. I don’t know if they understand what a wonderful thing they have done for me, but I am grateful. Oh, by the way, unlike real life you can save your game before you go out on a date with your girlfriend and reload whenever you want so you can experience these wonderful moments again and again. I’ve taken Futaba out on the same date at least thirty times now. It never gets old, and she never gets tired of me. Her beautiful smile always helps me through the stagnant hell that my life has become. She won’t give up on me like everyone else has. We are perfect for each other. Persona 5 is a 10/10.

Images by my good friends at Atlus

Just Literally Quick, Cheap, and Breathtakingly Easy Recipes for the Young and Modern Professional Who Simply Cannot Even

We’ve all been there, folks. Twelve hours at the office slapping away at the keyboard doing lord only knows what so our boss can go on his third vacation of the year in June, and you’re too worn out to feed yourself when you finally get home. Cooking is hard, and food is expensive. Sometimes it feels like there’s no point in running on this treadmill we call life. Continue reading Just Literally Quick, Cheap, and Breathtakingly Easy Recipes for the Young and Modern Professional Who Simply Cannot Even

TOP TEN THINGS I WANT TO SEE GET DESTROYED BY A 1000 DEGREE HOT KNIFE

I gotta come clean and be completely honest with all you good folks out there. I cannot get enough of those dang Hot Knife videos on YOUTUBE.com. Have you seen this stuff? The guy takes a knife, gets it real hot, then he holds the knife up to an object and makes it hot too. Sometimes things get a little out of hand! Butter? You better believe that stuff melted and made a huge mess. This ain’t your mommy’s butter knife, baby!! This stuff is extreme and ADDICTING. Did I mention I cannot stop watching these insane videos? Continue reading TOP TEN THINGS I WANT TO SEE GET DESTROYED BY A 1000 DEGREE HOT KNIFE

Every Item on Taco Bell’s Feast for $1 All Day Menu, Rated and Reviewed

Taco Bell has always been the place to go to get your quick fix on a budget, and with their $1 Cravings Menu and its breakfast counterpart, the $1 Morning Value Menu, they’re more devoted than ever to giving you the best bang for your (literal) buck, all day long. Continue reading Every Item on Taco Bell’s Feast for $1 All Day Menu, Rated and Reviewed

7 Powerful Food Hacks Guaranteed to Help You Avoid Being Hungry

untitled-2 By TREVOR DRINKWATER

Stop me if this sounds familiar: You’ve had a busy day. You spent all morning reading about dope new tech on Gizmodo, then picked up your girlfriend’s kids from school, came home and binge-watched Gilmore Girls on Netflix for a few hours (admit it, boys, you KNOW you love it), and then your squad stopped by for a rousing game of Cards Against Humanity. Continue reading 7 Powerful Food Hacks Guaranteed to Help You Avoid Being Hungry

How to Shill Your Way to Moderate Success

Listen, we all want to be a big star. Go on Instagram and what do you see? A flood of people fighting for attention with their fingers crossed hoping that someday they will be the .001% to be hand picked by God and wake up one morning in an enormous Beverly Hills mansion. Some keep trying until they end up on the streets, insane with delusion, while others give up and fall into the routine of telling themselves every morning at 4 AM to go to their job at the hip new coffee joint in the city that they are perfectly happy working for minimum wage. Maybe someday they will become a manager and achieve a small piece of that pie we all want so bad. Everyone wants to see big numbers when they check their bank balance and buy nice cars to post pictures of on Facebook. Heck, it’s the American Dream! But how in the world do you achieve something like that these days when there is so much competition in the job market and so many people are struggling to make ends meet? Continue reading How to Shill Your Way to Moderate Success